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MiniSheepPencil 2019-07-09 16:03:37 UTC #23

I strongly sense the feel of contempt from the surroundings. During the last half it really punches you in the gut, most likely how Izky felt before he decided to leave the area. What amazes me more than anything is that the impression it left afterwards was more sad and hurtful rather than just simple pity. Izky does not feel like a character that would need pity in a situation like this, he'd probably want to just be accepted instead of being shunned by watchful eyes.
Since he is a creature rather than a normal human being I imagine he is going through a lot. In this piece, it would be really amazing to add in a few more lines to help describe his inner feelings and frustrations to give the reader more to relate to.

All in all a very nicely written piece! It really left a bigger impact on me. and the flow of the scene was also well paced!

Gonna keep an eye out on your future updates!

diestreve319 2019-07-09 16:10:26 UTC #24

This is from my newest story, Freckled Boy Next to Adore:

I was near to the park’s fountain when I saw a boy with cute freckles on his nose. He threw a coin into the fountain. I couldn’t help myself but to laugh.

Looks like he heard me! He asked me in a harsh tone, “What’s so funny, popsicle girl?”

“What are you doing? Why did you throw a coin into the fountain? Isn’t it a waste of money?”

“How? There is a tradition, where you say a wish and throw a coin in the fountain, then your wish will come true.”

I went down my bike and walked closer to him. I stared at the fountain.

“Now, I understand. What did you wish for?”

My gaze broke from the fountain.

I looked at him now. He shrugged and didn’t even bothered to answer.

“Hey, can I borrow a coin? I want to make a wish too.”

He smirked. “You sure? You were just laughing at me earlier.”

“Give me a coin, and I’ll buy you an ice cream.”

His eyes go big. He seemed surprised because of the way he reacted.

Finally, he smiled. I stared at the freckles on his nose and cheeks. I decided that he was indeed cute.

tapas.io

Freckled Boy Next To Adore | Tapas

An unforgettable summer A heartfelt wish A magnetic destiny

Here's the teaser of Cute Boy Hunting, another story of mine. Cute Boy Hunting is now being turned into a webcomic. My artist and I already posted the first episode of CBH on Tapas and on Webtoons. <3

After I take a sip of that extremely delicious cappuccino, I start typing down the lines of the first part of the story brainstorm in my mind a few minutes ago. Then, after I type a few lines of the story, I take some quick bites of that juicy cheesecake that melts in my mouth. Hmm… sweet! Delicious!

Just as I am brainstorming, my eyes spot that angel going in Starbucks. He has the perfect dark hair and bangs with blue highlights. He gives me a heart melting smile and motioned me to come to him.

I pretend that I am busy typing something on my tablet. In reality, I’m blushing and feeling lucky that I saw such a cute guy who wants me to talk to him.

Take care
-Valerie <3

MiniSheepPencil 2019-07-09 16:25:24 UTC #25

Before I read the summary on the novel banner I noticed this twisted balance between something serious and yet familiar. My strong guess would be for Deadboy to have ended up getting himself into trouble and then his friend / partner Colt ends up coming to save him. To me, your words clearly delivered what was needed in order to build an understanding of not only the characters emotions, but also the atmosphere.

I'm intrigued ~

MiniSheepPencil 2019-07-09 16:31:51 UTC #26

Holy crap! That tension that escalated in the last paragraph was powerful! Oof! It made me curl up my toes at the thought of what was going to happen. Having the suspense rise with his suspicion and then leaving it there was a very good choice. It just made me want to know what would happen next, waiting with excitement!

Maps! This is going into my library! Thank you so much for sharing this!

Maps 2019-07-09 16:40:21 UTC #27

Thank you for your kind and encouraging words! ️

tchotchkeco 2019-07-09 16:52:19 UTC #28

Thank you very much! Yeah the story is going to be a weird balance of chaos with awkward young adults. It meant to be both dark but still fun at the same time.

MiniSheepPencil 2019-07-09 16:57:18 UTC #29

Freckled Boy Next to Adore

This little interaction is just too adorable! I find it super charming with a writing style like this. Personally it reminds me of my scripts that I do for my comic as well and it is really easy to read and sometimes really funny too since you have to interpret the dialogue without any set emotions!

Cute Boy Hunting

I think I smell a classic Rom-Com coming my way any minute now
I am excited to hear that this is being converted into a comic too and from what I can see at the cover then even the art will be super adorable and perfectly matched with your style of writing!

Imma keep both of these in my pocket, Valerie! and I wish you all the best of luck with the launch of the webtoon!

MiniSheepPencil 2019-07-09 16:58:32 UTC #30

Please keep fighting Maps! I know you have it in you

MiniSheepPencil 2019-07-09 17:02:36 UTC #31

That it amazing to hear! I don't think many talk about the dark genre in either novels or webtoons. It feels like it's almost close to a taboo sometimes, so I am just intrigued to see people mix it in and in this case I am sure you will get a lot of relatable context out of it. Writing about young adults in a tumultuous stage of emotion is really engaging because it tends to be fast paced ~

Keep it up! You are in for a wild ride

grotesqueice 2019-07-09 17:24:37 UTC #32

I still haven't posted anything officially on Tapas yet. Though, I would like to share a little of what I would like to make. I am an aspiring writer, I hope we all support each other.

A blinding light. The deafening sound of silence. Silence? My hearing must've been impaired. Before my eyes were the ruckus and destruction - the flaming fire. Hushed and labored breathing - the suffocation. Surviving that hell was indeed a miracle.

I forcibly opened my eyes and exhaled the breath I didn't knew I was holding. I was dreaming the same thing for almost ten years now, yet, the memory was as vivid as if it only happened yesterday.I can feel the heat and the pain too close to my own skin. As if I was experiencing it all over again.

Since that incident where I find my younger self in the spiral of life and death, I hated the concept of death. At an early age, I was faced with the reality of life. Once existence must cease; the ultimate ending. The reality that death is equal, it was a concept that existed for all; like rain, it does not except anyone nor anything.

I blinked a few times as I recuperated from my nightmarish dreadful state.

"Five-thirty, huh?" It was way too early, but, there was no way I can go back and sleep again. Who knows, I might get thrown back to that hell once again and I sure do not want to experience it twice a day. After my usual morning routine, I faced my mother's altar, lighted an incense and offered a silent prayer.

"Mother, I'm going to school now."

Share your thoughts please, it will be greatly appreciated. Thank you for taking your time to read.

joannekwan 2019-07-09 18:04:37 UTC #33

Dramatic

Finished, she took the basin to the kitchen, dumping the dirty water into the sink. There was no appetite for dinner tonight. Turning on her heels, the girl stomped to the back of the house to the mudroom. She threw the dirty cloth into a basket to be laundered later. Upon her return to her room, she stopped at the hallway mirror, pleading into the glass, “What am I to do if I marry Schuler and in an instant I’m beside his deathbed?”

Anax paused for a moment. “But that is your mortal life.”

Patience entered her room and dressed in her nightgown. “I’d rather live my life as a spinster than a widow.”

MiniSheepPencil 2019-07-09 21:25:38 UTC #34

@grotesqueice
I like the depth of emotions that come into place. It's an interesting spot in the story, cuz aside from the dream that is being described and the emotions that follows there are not much to be said of the character before he/she heads out of the door. My interest was peaked at the point where you led up to disclosing information about the characters past, but when you chose not to, it left me lost and confused. (maybe that was intended?)

OttoGruenwald 2019-07-09 23:25:01 UTC #35

My webnovel is a dark superhero story in the tradition of The Shadow, The Avenger, The Spider, and other pulp crimefighters. I'd appreciate any feedback you can give!

Last three paragraphs:

Following the ordeal, Lorna told the press that her kidnapping had shaken her considerably and that she had asked the Trespasser to never again intrude into her life. As far as the world knew, she and the Trespasser had parted ways. She wrote and published a heavily redacted version of our early conversations as The Ash-Covered Phoenix: My Experience with the Trespasser and the book’s vague statements on the Trespasser’s origin added to his mystery along with those in the later Princes of Dawn by Dr. Stone.

She hung a painting of the Trespasser in the 3rd floor library where she had her conversations with him right between the stuffed cobra and the 14th century knight armor.

And that was that... as far as the world knew.

DasIstWunderblyat 2019-07-10 03:13:02 UTC #36

I actually very relieved to know it works . The worst part of writing a story is to never know if it works or not

I strongly sense the feel of contempt from the surroundings. During the last half it really punches you in the gut, most likely how Izky felt before he decided to leave the area. What amazes me more than anything is that the impression it left afterwards was more sad and hurtful rather than just simple pity.

I'm glad the scene is working to get this impression, I try to subtly implying people are wary of Izky . Keane (who isn't a human too) and especially Iota in previous scene was trying to get him to open up and accept their gratitude, but he couldn't do it.

Gonna keep an eye out on your future updates!

Thank you very much! I'm glad you find it enjoyable! Please tell me what can be improved and what should stay if you check it out.

grotesqueice 2019-07-10 06:11:01 UTC #37

@minixira

I planned to reveal the character's past as I go on with the story so yeah it was intentional. And I'm still thinking of ways to really pique readers interest since I don't want them to feel bored with all the character's description, I want to leave some for the reader's imagination. I'm still working for the rest of the story so I hope you will look forward when I officially release it.

I appreciate your opinion with regards to my story. I hope I can support you in your works too.

ratscout 2019-07-10 07:15:08 UTC #38

He was having fun teaching her, and she would never admit it, but she was having fun learning. It took his mind off the Antler for a long time, but when training was done for the day and he briefly parted ways with Taylor, it was all he could think about again.

“You will die, you know, at age thirty, and you will never know what it is to burn with passion.” The Antler taunted him.

Them became moodier and moodier as he rested on that memory. Especially as he was forced to skip dinner and wash dishes with the elf, Terran, Taylor, and Pete before going to bed.

From, Inheritance.

diestreve319 2019-07-10 09:12:48 UTC #39

Hi, Minixira
Thank you so much for your wonderful comments to both of my stories, Freckled Boy Next to Adore and Cute Boy Hunting
Your comments made me inspired to write more.
If you're interested you can read Cute Boy Hunting's comic version here, I collaborated with Ana Grol, creator of Ryu Kaze. The book cover you saw in Cute Boy Hunting novel version is a drawing from a different artist, Mai the creator of Little Rain.

orose 2019-07-10 11:44:48 UTC #40

Here are the last three paragraphs from the last published chapter of The Fatalistic Machine! The novel is finished & I'm editing before posting each episode, so I went ahead & put up a sizable 'start-up' chunk & will be metering out further releases from here.

For context, Ayr once again finds herself in the not purgatory/heaven/hell place & has another conversation with It, the thing that seems to live there... She's just met the main-lead male, Wilder, & their encounter didn't end well.

“Oh, well that’s wonderful,” she said. “A thing with the power of life and death in it’s hands and it’s young! And doesn’t know what it’s actually doing!”

“In any case,” It spoke loudly now. Silently. “I’m sending you back. It’ll shock him for sure, but that’s better than leaving you dead. I wouldn’t know what to do with you here.”

He was touching her blood when she sat up.

Honestly, I'm not sure how Fatalistic will be received; it's pretty 'crack'! The perspective, though 3rd person, runs in a stream of consciousness kinda way & is purposefully confusing at some points. I think it starts to make more sense, later one, when full identities are revealed, but at the outset it's one heck of mind f* for the M.C.s who are living with a very strange set of circumstances.

jasminedemure 2019-07-10 13:43:15 UTC #41

This is the last three from chapter four. Due out in a week. I hope it sparks some interest.

She noticed the spiders. Hundreds of them. Lining the window and looking as if they are waiting for her. A man’s silhouette formed in the trunk of the tree.
Her nose almost to the glass.
The man was tall with ear-length hair. He kept coming closer. It looked like a shadow come to life.
The only color on him was his eyes. Deep green like a forest. She stared into them as he walked the last steps. He looked around the room and then down at her. The six-foot and two-inch man stepped to the side.
She fell a sharp pain as she was pushed forward into the glass. Alice heard laughing. She turned her head as she fell. It was the spider’s swinging from their webs.

Toastbuster 2019-07-10 14:45:09 UTC #42

A snippet from my most recent chapter:

"Yes, she could have easily finished him off," Falon told him. "But she chose to let him go. She even went out of her way to make sure he was alright by the time the fight was over."

Gennaro furrowed his brows thoughtfully. "You suspect Kaito sees something familiar in her? Traces of... well... you know..." he asked.

Falon nodded. "I think that's exactly what's going on here," she said, gazing up at the pink tinted sky. "The thing is, I'm not sure whether that's good or bad."