SIXTH UPDATE! (Replies 36-45)
Menmar @Iridium
-Wish that aurora blended into the color of the sky a littleâŚsome photo reference might help there
-Nice fire~
-reing->âreignâ
=Overall, itâs tolerable. The writing is okayâŚthe images donât carry it very well, though. Lots of muddy coloring and shading despite all the mentions of light imagery. Effects could use a lot of work; the fire on page 2 was the only impressive thing in there, unfortunately.
Nowhere, South Dakota @skippyjoeskilling
=The art style is really interestingâŚI liked those sudden color panels~. I donât really understand what happened there, but you can really feel the emotion behind them.
The phone scene was also interesting, layout-wiseâŚall in all, itâs not something Iâd like to read, but it feels like a comic with a lot of thought put into it, and the dialogue is intriguing so far. I think itâs a little rough, but good~
Between Love & War @Eloisa_go
-âHave you seen the water droplets sliding on the window when it rains? Then you choose two of them, and you imagine they're in a race, fighting each other to see which one gets to the bottom first.â
âŚIâŚactually used to do ^this. So much, when I was a kid. XD
-Why is the 4th line written in 2nd personâŚ? âPinching your skinâ? Is that on purposeâŚ?
-The wording is very strange in some areasâŚânice shaking on the groundâ? âWet slab floorâ?? âLavish all over himselfâ???
Like, if youâre having trouble coming up with descriptive words to use, maybe consult a thesaurus occasionally? âCause it sounds like youâre kinda just giving up and throwing in whatever you can come up with off the top of your headâŚ
=Overall, I feel like this writing is trying very hard to be one of those novels thatâs very close to the protagonistsâ thought processes, with their emotions creeping into the narration and all that.
But thereâs a lot holding it back, from the immersion-breaking weird descriptions, to the really unnatural dialogueâŚfor instance, that âwho the fuck smiles in the middle of a storm??â line.
Iâve seen people do that a lot, often because of similarly worded lines in anime, but as always, context is king: âWho does xâ just comes off as unnecessarily intrusive and contrived when x is justâŚmundane. Okay, so some guy is smiling in the rain, so what? Rain isnât horrifying; the idea that someone might be having a good day despite the fact that thereâs a storm outside isnât unusual enough to judge in that way. And thatâs just one exampleâŚ
Jade Kingdoms @surenlicious
-I gotta say, I really like the color style of the cover/banner art. If it could be a little more defined and cohesive, it would be amazing~.
-âEven with their bloodline and sealing ring in tow, neither of them could express word or tongue that may successfully set this field of time back.â
^So it was at that point that I became lost. Iâm not even sure I understand what the sentence is trying to say (there seems to be a mid-phrase tense switch in there?) and the next few sentences after that did not helpâŚ
=Overall, maybe Iâm not paying close enough attention, but I donât really have a clear picture of whatâs going onâŚand also Iâm kinda bored. =/ I donât think that second part is your fault; âinnocent female MC and gruff, strong male MC face off against unknown threatâ seems to be a common beginning to fantasy novels, and one I am simply not interested in at all.
I would recommend you work on that tense-switching thoughâŚeither write in present tense or write in past tense, or do very CLEAN switches with contextual cues (for example, use past tense for the action, and present tense for those grand character descriptions). Mixing them together within sentences is just awkward.
The Great White Wolfâs Daughter @wocalichofficial
-Is âfire(fyr)â supposed to be for pronunciation? Because I think itâd be best left in the asterisks with the other info
-How does Fyr âstillâ know how to speak the âcommon tongueâ? And for that matter, who taught her to use a bow and arrow?? I thought she was left to the wulfas as a babyâŚ
=Overall, an excellent first chapter, very well written and intriguing; one of the best Iâve seen so far. If youâre going to end up using a lot of asterisks in the future, maybe consider doing superscript numbers instead? Yâknow, just so you donât end up with lots of distracting lines of ***** in the text.
Star Seeders @sevenstarsofeightIam
-Pun included-> Pun intended (also, the pun is barely noticeableâŚmaybe take that out entirely?)
-I donât understand âatomicâ; I hope thatâs going to be further explained later onâŚ? All I can gather is that thereâs a distinction between âatomicâ and âmolecularâ, but I struggle to understand how a person can be atomic without being molecular, or vice versaâŚ
-The sudden inksgiving plug was pretty jarringâŚat least throw some dividing characters in between those lines (like +++ or something) O_O
=So the writing is really strong, just needs some proofreading and light editing. Iâm not entirely sure what to expect from this story, but it does have a professional feel, which is a point in your favor.
Arbiterâs Wake @arbiterswake
-Very strong title~
-Concern is a bit much, isnât itâŚ? Shouldnât you be able to see concern on the characterâs face? I donât see why youâd have to caption emotions if theyâre drawn correctlyâŚ
=Overall, I think the dialogue and composition is really good. Iâm not a huge fan of the art, but I think it shows some skill; this looks like a comic that could become really good in the future.
A Thought A Day Cat @arbiterswake
=MehâŚI found it pretty random and uninteresting. =/