SIXTH UPDATE! (Replies 36-45)
-Wish that aurora blended into the color of the sky a little…some photo reference might help there
=Overall, it’s tolerable. The writing is okay…the images don’t carry it very well, though. Lots of muddy coloring and shading despite all the mentions of light imagery. Effects could use a lot of work; the fire on page 2 was the only impressive thing in there, unfortunately.
Nowhere, South Dakota @skippyjoeskilling
=The art style is really interesting…I liked those sudden color panels~. I don’t really understand what happened there, but you can really feel the emotion behind them.
The phone scene was also interesting, layout-wise…all in all, it’s not something I’d like to read, but it feels like a comic with a lot of thought put into it, and the dialogue is intriguing so far. I think it’s a little rough, but good~
Between Love & War @Eloisa_go
-“Have you seen the water droplets sliding on the window when it rains? Then you choose two of them, and you imagine they're in a race, fighting each other to see which one gets to the bottom first.”
…I…actually used to do ^this. So much, when I was a kid. XD
-Why is the 4th line written in 2nd person…? “Pinching your skin”? Is that on purpose…?
-The wording is very strange in some areas…’nice shaking on the ground’? ‘Wet slab floor’?? ‘Lavish all over himself’???
Like, if you’re having trouble coming up with descriptive words to use, maybe consult a thesaurus occasionally? ‘Cause it sounds like you’re kinda just giving up and throwing in whatever you can come up with off the top of your head…
=Overall, I feel like this writing is trying very hard to be one of those novels that’s very close to the protagonists’ thought processes, with their emotions creeping into the narration and all that.
But there’s a lot holding it back, from the immersion-breaking weird descriptions, to the really unnatural dialogue…for instance, that ‘who the fuck smiles in the middle of a storm??’ line.
I’ve seen people do that a lot, often because of similarly worded lines in anime, but as always, context is king: ‘Who does x’ just comes off as unnecessarily intrusive and contrived when x is just…mundane. Okay, so some guy is smiling in the rain, so what? Rain isn’t horrifying; the idea that someone might be having a good day despite the fact that there’s a storm outside isn’t unusual enough to judge in that way. And that’s just one example…
Jade Kingdoms @surenlicious
-I gotta say, I really like the color style of the cover/banner art. If it could be a little more defined and cohesive, it would be amazing~.
-‘Even with their bloodline and sealing ring in tow, neither of them could express word or tongue that may successfully set this field of time back.’
^So it was at that point that I became lost. I’m not even sure I understand what the sentence is trying to say (there seems to be a mid-phrase tense switch in there?) and the next few sentences after that did not help…
=Overall, maybe I’m not paying close enough attention, but I don’t really have a clear picture of what’s going on…and also I’m kinda bored. =/ I don’t think that second part is your fault; ‘innocent female MC and gruff, strong male MC face off against unknown threat’ seems to be a common beginning to fantasy novels, and one I am simply not interested in at all.
I would recommend you work on that tense-switching though…either write in present tense or write in past tense, or do very CLEAN switches with contextual cues (for example, use past tense for the action, and present tense for those grand character descriptions). Mixing them together within sentences is just awkward.
The Great White Wolf’s Daughter @wocalichofficial
-Is ‘fire(fyr)’ supposed to be for pronunciation? Because I think it’d be best left in the asterisks with the other info
-How does Fyr “still” know how to speak the ‘common tongue’? And for that matter, who taught her to use a bow and arrow?? I thought she was left to the wulfas as a baby…
=Overall, an excellent first chapter, very well written and intriguing; one of the best I’ve seen so far. If you’re going to end up using a lot of asterisks in the future, maybe consider doing superscript numbers instead? Y’know, just so you don’t end up with lots of distracting lines of ***** in the text.
Star Seeders @sevenstarsofeightIam
-Pun included-> Pun intended (also, the pun is barely noticeable…maybe take that out entirely?)
-I don’t understand ‘atomic’; I hope that’s going to be further explained later on…? All I can gather is that there’s a distinction between ‘atomic’ and ‘molecular’, but I struggle to understand how a person can be atomic without being molecular, or vice versa…
-The sudden inksgiving plug was pretty jarring…at least throw some dividing characters in between those lines (like +++ or something) O_O
=So the writing is really strong, just needs some proofreading and light editing. I’m not entirely sure what to expect from this story, but it does have a professional feel, which is a point in your favor.
Arbiter’s Wake @arbiterswake
-Very strong title~
-Concern is a bit much, isn’t it…? Shouldn’t you be able to see concern on the character’s face? I don’t see why you’d have to caption emotions if they’re drawn correctly…
=Overall, I think the dialogue and composition is really good. I’m not a huge fan of the art, but I think it shows some skill; this looks like a comic that could become really good in the future.
A Thought A Day Cat @arbiterswake
=Meh…I found it pretty random and uninteresting. =/