Question for people with romantic attraction

[WoollyPAR]

I can't say I feel particularly good about that. Me being... me, my first reaction would be to go along with it to see what happens. Since they said "at the moment" and "give it a try" that would make me think "Ah, so I have a chance " despite the very lukewarm reaction. I can't imagine it would go super well or last very long. Maybe it depends on this person I'm confessing to, how long I've known them, how well we get along outside of a strictly romantic context, and whether or not they really can develop feelings for me, but even then I see that turning out to be a "let's just be friends" situation.

I imagine the date wouldn't go well because I overthink things a lot. If they don't really react or seem interested enough, I might start to think there's something wrong with me and I might not even consider that they might just be like that with everyone. Personally I'm pretty open about when I feel like I'm overthinking, so I try to be upfront about what's on my mind. In this case that might clear things up and help me decide whether or not the date was worth it since this person seems pretty honest and able to communicate. If it ends with an honest communication like that, I could see that being a good outcome regardless of if the conclusion was "let's be friends" or "let's do this again sometime"

I'm kinda curious as to why I have feelings for this person to begin with, but that's not part of the question. If I really like them and they gave me an opportunity to see what happens, I (personally) would take that since I'm a hopeless romantic. The gamble excites me and the clarity I get from knowing the outcome is cathartic. So for me, I'd say it's like a "if it works, it works" type of date, and if it doesn't work, I'm pretty capable of being friends with failed crushes, so that won't be too bad.

Hopefully this is a useful perspective :3

[TheLemmaLlama]

Yes, this is a useful perspective; all of your perspectives have been really useful, thank you! I was particularly wondering if the dialogue came across as more "I'm not into you but I feel bad for you so I'll give you a chance" or "I don't feel that way about you at the moment but I think you're cool and I want to get to know you better, but don't want to get your hopes up."

I didn't want the confessing character to be upset and angry at the pity only for the readers to think they're a jerk to someone who just wanted to be transparent, or for the confessing character to happily take the date and have the readers think they're desperate :'D

[Lensing]

For me it comes across like the 2nd option and that´s the way it is for some people,
when someone asks me for a date I would say something like that

[NickRowler]

It comes off a bit condescending. Bit of a red flag. Honestly the whole thing comes off a bit robotic, like a melodramatic Visual Novel.

So I would probably respond, “Uhhhh, are you a robot?”

[cherrystark]

I think that if character B isn't interested, you could just have them say "No" or "no thanks" and move on. This is big for me since women (at least where I"m from) can't just say no if they aren't interested. They have to EXPLAIN themselves. If the couple is supposed to have romantic interaction later on, you could find opporunities for the couple to interact and spend time together BEFORE officially dating. It helps make the romance more believable.

I do have a question though. What's Character A's motivation for asking charactere B out? I realized as I got older, I only feel ANY type of attraction after I've formed an emotional bond with the other person. In my late teens to early twenties especially, I only dated because it was "normal". I was never really attracted to anyone, I just dated because that's what everyone else was doing.

[MartaTod]

I don’t dislike you, so out of respect for your bravery, I’d like to give it a try. Is that okay with you?

This is the part that would be a huge "nope" for me. The rest I'd be ok with because maybe they're just trying to say "hey I don't know you that well at the moment" so that could be the reason they have no opinion about me. But a pity date? Yikes. I'd probably give a polite "no, it's fine" answer with a smile, but wouldn't really want to hang out with that person after that.

[liaroger]

I'm on the aromantic spectrum so this is unlikely to happen to me but in that situation I'd feel condescended to and frustrated, even if my romantic attraction is limited and romantic rejection isn't a huge deal for me.

When I have feelings for someone (and that includes platonic feelings, a squish - aka wanting to be their friend - and all sorts of attraction I can't quite place), I want them to hang out with me because they want to and like me in some way - or not if they don't or we're not compatible. If they talk about how brave I am and how hard it must have been to confess to these feelings and that's why they want to hang otu with me I'd just lose interest and not want to hang out with them anymore because it'd feel a lot like they're doing it out of pity or a sense of obligation. Actually that might just make me lose interest in them altogether so that'd be an effective way to get rid of me.

If they were to just say that they don't have any particular feelings for me and don't know what kind of feelings they could develop but I seem nice or interesting enough to get to know me, I'd be fine with it. I'd be happy to hang out and get to know them with no strings attached and no particular kind of relationship as the goal. But again, I am a relationship anarchist and on the aromantic spectrum, so I can imagine that being hard for allos when they're in love.

So basically:
"I don't have any particular feelings for you now but you seem like someone I could like in some way so let's hang out and get to know each other, I just can't promise any particular kind of attraction or relationship" - yes! Let's hang out
"I don't have any particular feelings for you but you were so brave that I'm willing to give it a try" - no thanks, fuck off, did you do that on purpose so I lose interest???
The exception would be if they find me being direct interesting or likeable. But I'd only want to hang out with them if there's something about me they actually like and they actually want to spend time with me.

[Pandastrophic]

Honestly I'd be very annoyed at a response like that, i'd rather my crush just reject me.
It could be that the response is so... condescending and kinda robotic? maybe if it was phrased a bit more naturally?
"I don't have feelings for you right now but... I'd like to go on a date to get to know you better"
I don't know is that better? it just depends on the feeling you're trying to convey and the type of person the crush is, because the original line comes off as very "i dont have feeling for you but i feel bad so I'll go on a pity date with you i guess"

[goatbat]

Yeah a lot of people have said something similar but the response definitely depends on age level and severity of the crush. It's a bit of a cold response though ngl, verrrrryyyy bluntly honest. I'm guessing that 'confess those type of feelings' though, it's way more than a 'you're hot, I'm interested,' type of interaction though, which is why I may come off as blunt in the following paragraph. Also personally I'll just say, my self esteem would be shot and I'd be very annoyed & sad lol.

Genuinely terrible idea for both parties to go out under the conditions listed in real life (one party is very romantically attached and the other is only platonically interested/charity dating.) This isn't a dig at aro/ace people, but dating without some level of attraction is not often going to be a fun time for both parties unless it's a type of atypical less romantic dynamic like QPRs. Or more casual dates, granted the person with romantic attraction is less attached at the beggining (though ngl, I still would be wary.)

But it's not bad at all in the context of a story or character arc, since tbh, not unrealistic for someone to say, especially if they have little to no dating experience- I just think you have to keep in mind, this kind of sets alarm bells in people's heads of "oh, one of these people is going to get their feelings hurt bad." I think that being condescending or awkward is still a great moment of character drama, so this is less 'I think you're idea isn't good,' more 'here is some perspective that may shed light on your idea.'

[arxianfall]

Well ... I don’t particularly want to not go out with you.

"Okay?" Couldn't help but raise an eyebrow.

If I’m being honest, I don’t have any particular feelings for you at the moment.

Fair enough, your barely know me, I though to myself, smiled and let her speak her mind.

But I know how hard it is to confess those kinds of feelings. I don’t dislike you, so out of respect for your bravery, I’d like to give it a try. Is that okay with you?

"Yes! Of course! How would I not be! I asked!Yes!"

But of course, this wasn't my first rodeo and I know I'm the sort of person who gives the cute girl pass. I walked home, just to let my mind go wild and process what just happened.

Hard? Bravery? She...she's so inexperienced!! Am I her first boyfriend? And what was with the formal tone of hers? Was she trying to open a bank account? "Hello I would like to fill out this form"

An uneasiness came over me as I quickly realized that my crush might not be the person I imagined her to be.

[liaroger]

I agree with you, it makes for great drama and misunderstandings. I have a friend who I could imagine saying such a thing if she was less romantic, and she'd say it with the purest of intentions and not understand why the person she's saying it to feels condescended to and hurt. I could totally imagine a character saying that with the purest of intentions and simply not understanding the many reasons why it could be hurtful to the other character.

Long-ish ramblings about aro and ace stuff and relationships because I like to ramble about this stuff, feel free to ignore it - mostly I'm just agreeing with you and expanding on it, definitely not looking for an argument

As for the irl thing, you absolutely have a point and as an arospec(TM) I don't perceive it as a dig. (Can't speak for everyone though.) I'd actually feel uncomfortable in a relationship where the other person is so romantically attached to me that there's too much emphasis on the romantic aspect of the relationship. (Some romance is fine, but it's more like ... cinnamon or some other spice. It adds flavour to a dish, but it doesn't make the whole dish, and defining a relationship primarily or solely by the presence of romance feels a lot like eating a spoonful of cinnamon.)

However, if the other person isn't overly focused on romance and romantic activities, their feelings and my feelings don't have to match perfectly. There are other forms of attraction and love that can make my feelings for them just as intense as their hypothetical feelings for me, even if they're different. If we're roughly on the same page about how we'd like to express those feelings it's fine. But if they're madly in love and feel hurt by me not being able to be madly in love with them, then, well, that's a problem. There are some romance favourable aros and sex favourable aces that would enjoy a lot of typical dating stuff though (I have a friend who rarely feels attracted to people but enjoys ... adult fun time with a wide variety of people nonetheless), so unless you need them to confirm some kind of attraction to feel comfortable or validated in the relatioship, a more traditional romantic relationship can also work with them (that's just not me though.) So it's not that all allos and aros and aroaces and aces are incompatible, though many probably are to some degree, and some relationships can look very romantic and work out, it just depends on your needs and priorities in a relationship.

And I also agree that in this particular setup, with the pity date offer, going out on a date most likely wouldn't end well or be fun for either party. Which can make for some great and nuanced drama though.

[arxianfall]

"Before we go on our date, could you point out which pictures contain buses?"

[TedGravesArt]

That answer is excruciatingly neutral, passionless and impersonal. It's not technically rude, but it's so emotionless that it's almost chilly, and I think the bit about respecting bravery reads as patronizing, almost condescending.
I think it would make me sad, since I would have to really like someone to ask them out and those feelings are clearly not reciprocated here, but I would appreciate the clarity it would give me. I would put them squarely in the "friend only" category at that point.

[TheLemmaLlama]

'here is some perspective that may shed light on your idea.'

Yes, yessss, gimme all the perspectives! >: D Y'all helped me dig out more nuance and dramatic potential in this setup than I would've saw on my own, and now I'm excited to get to a part of my story I found lacking and 'off' on my first brushthrough

This is the part that would be a huge "nope" for me.

"I don't have any particular feelings for you but you were so brave that I'm willing to give it a try" - no thanks, fuck off, did you do that on purpose so I lose interest???

Hard? Bravery? She...she's so inexperienced!! Am I her first boyfriend? And what was with the formal tone of hers? Was she trying to open a bank account? "Hello I would like to fill out this form"

the bit about respecting bravery reads as patronizing, almost condescending.

Yes, clarifying which part of the dialogue carries which connotations was really helpful!

I think that if character B isn't interested, you could just have them say "No" or "no thanks" and move on. This is big for me since women (at least where I"m from) can't just say no if they aren't interested. They have to EXPLAIN themselves.

Is this about normalizing not having to explain yourself? Because I would've thought it would be more realistic for the confess-ee to explain themselves for the very reason you mentioned o_o

What's Character A's motivation for asking charactere B out?

The characters aren't complete strangers, they have spent some time together before the confession. Character A likes Character B because they have similar outlooks on how to live life broadly, but Character B has a certain direction and focus in their outlook that Character A admires. Character A is also drawn to straightforward, transparent people, but I was suspecting that's not enough to stop you from being put off by a passionless, condescending response if you have feelings for someone, so I wanted to double check :'D

"Before we go on our date, could you point out which pictures contain buses?"

pulls out captcha "Can you write down the characters you see in this picture?"

[rajillustration]

It kinda depends on the culture, too. Like I date pretty casually up to the 3rd date, so I'm not thinking about like..commitment on the first and second. Even if someone is like "I really like you, like a lot" I'm not going to think "I have to commit to this person in return or tell them I have no feelings for them." (which is something that I've experienced with someone confessing his feelings before I knew him that well, and it was fine, we went on a few dates, I didn't really like him as much as he liked me, I let him down easy.)

Like I would just say "aw, thank you. You're a good friend. We'll should go out again to see how it goes." instead of a whole anxiety inducing explanation that sounds almost like the start of a breakup. It's so terrifying to talk about love and to be burnt when you love someone, that they don't need me to say I feel nothing. That's too harsh. Usually people wait until like the 2nd or 3rd date to be like "Sorry I don't have feelings for you," and they don't dive deeper than that unless they're asked. Also "I don’t have any particular feelings for you at the moment." sounds a little like they're not even freinds? But I don't know the context.

So the response written here sounds like person B is...explaining to person A what a date is. Which is kind of odd, like we know what a date is. It doesn't need to be said, not only because it's redundant but because because dating is pretty rough on the heart so there's no need to be 100% honest about your feelings 100% of the time. Like don't lie to your date--but don't say you don't like them before you need to tell them that.

Like I had a roomate who once dated a guy for 2 weeks, and at 2 weeks told him "we need to go on a walk" so they went on a walk to Taco Bell in the middle of the night and she was like "in 2 years, we will be married, or you will be married to someone else, and so will I, where do you think we'll be?" and like obviously he broke up with her on the spot because that's freakin terrifying to have that much honesty that early in a relationship. It's an overwhelming feeling. And like...this person B giving the full rundown of their entire relationship before the first date sounds like a person that'd break your heart on the way to Taco Bell at 11 PM, being real, so I uh would not date them.

So it's not that no one would talk like your example--I'm sure a bunch of people do, I've met all sorts--but it'd be a bit of a red flag.

[Ordinaryaverageguy]

How I felt might depend on my mood at the moment or just how obsessed I was with that person,,,,But.... I'd also shortly realize that they're probably toxic, because what sort of person would ay that out loud to me? Sure, they might think that but those words are both horribly lukewarm and disinterested and shockingly thoughtless (or heartless).
So, my next line would be, "Ya know what? How 'bout I give you a raincheck on that?" I'd probably bite back the part about, "Maybe someday when I'm not invisible to you."

[cherrystark]

Re: Explainations - it depends on the situation that you present beforehand. I know a lot of people that will start off with a "no thanks. I'm not interested." and if pressed, THEN they give an explaination as to WHY they don't want to date them.

I am very particular about this because a lot of girl friends of mine have been harassed into "relationships" because the guy mistook her friendship as romantic attraction. For me, as long as both parties are treated respectfully and the relationship progresses naturally, you should be okay.

[Fafnir]

tbh, it sounds extremely emotionless, like a robot response. I would take that as they are not into me, and this is like a pitty response.
I would rather some kind of strong feeling one way or the other.
If the character saying this is an emotionless analytical science type person, then you nailed it. otherwise, this is a very dislikable character

[MeltingCORE]

This sounds very anime. I'm now imagining the boy or girl falling in love with the one who asked them out through their cute adventures.

I would personally be put off in real life though.

[system]

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