4 / 4
Aug 2017

Please read my script and criticize it please. I'm fairly a new writer and I'm rather young as well. I'm just trying to grow.

Script Here

  • created

    Aug '17
  • last reply

    Aug '17
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I think this script could work well as a comic, it introduces the main characer and what kind of life he had before the world went to hell. There is some foreshadowing there, which is nice.

I do find the transition from the normal world to the robot apocalypse world too hasty. I know he ended up in coma thanks to his drink, but I'd like to see more form his life before the apocalypse. Besides robots walking around, what did excatly change about his life? Did he have a family?

Also, I think the ammount of "OH SH*T" is too much, nobody reacts like that. Since this is a comic, all you need is a drawing of the ruined world and a drawing of his expression reacting to that.

My plan was to have an issue where everything is explained and how life was before the apocalypse and that's including the MC. Also showing the build up to apocalypse and how the robots came about.

Why not just have him get drunk in his robot costume? It would probably make more sense than to have him conveniently keep a "coma-cola" in his fridge. A sad man who sells balloons and drinks alone in his work costume is the perfect character archetype for an apocalypse plot.

Also gonna have to agree with Marton; there's too much dialogue/monologue. It's unnecessary to have him say what we can already see him feeling through his expression. I want to like him, but it's hard when after his home is invaded by robots his reaction is "If they touch my legos I swear I'll murder them.", etc. Re-comb through your dialogue and cut out every unnecessary word, thought, and speech. Honestly only about half of it needs to be there and it would establish August as a much more relateable character.