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Jan 14

Hi all - I'm a new author and I'm curious what folks think of my story so far. I'm also interested in reading other stories and would be happy to read and help provide feedback.

I'll try to take on a certain amount per week I don't want to overcommit myself, but if you'd like me to read the first chapter or the first ten, just let me know! I just ask that you do the same and let me know of any feedback!

If you like what you've read, please like and subscribe I'll do the same!

Here's my story Under Quiet Skies

Haunted by Murasi—faceless creatures woven from the chaotic energy of Mura—civilization survives by sifting for Kaida, a protective force left behind by storms. But after more than a decade of drought, desperation is rising. Erith, a sifter with the Pining Frost Expedition, harbors a secret that could reshape the world—or doom it entirely.

It's an action fantasy where the magic within it isn't well understood on how to wield it to it's fullest potential. My MC, Erith, has a few secrets on what he's capable of in this world and isn't eager to reveal that.

Let me know if you are interested! I'll keep a list here of what I'll be reviewing and what is on-deck to review!

3/7/2025 - Currently Reviewing:

Read the first 4 chapters. I thought it was really good. I'd say anyone reading this story should read at least up to there before giving any judgment, you need to read up to there to kinda know what's happening. Those 4 make a solid prologue, establishing the main characters motive, the motive of this expedition, the threats in this world, and enough about the magic/mystery that I care to learn more about them. Your dialogue/descriptions are well written/captivating. I enjoyed it.

1 month later

Hey @justincarbunkle Thank you for reading the first four! I am so sorry hadn't checked the forums in a while and didn't realize I got a bite!

I'll read yours this week and get back to you!

@justincarbunkle I read the first few

Plot: The humor / plot is niche and not really a niche that engages me, but it seems like the premise to the first chapter is that your protagonists are forming a DINK club where the second starts to go into an immortality counseling. I think the comic foundation is that the protagonists are immortal and have formed some nihilistic viewpoints and the comic seems to be them traversing that.

Content/Art: The art style feels old-school and maintains a good balance of that, it's very consistent throughout the episodes. Sometimes the ending/starting portions of the panel make the overall comic feel choppy.

The red text and font choice feel like an opportunity to improve. To me, it doesn't fit into the comic's art style and detracts from the flow.

I hope this feedback is helpful!

I will do that when you read hit like on the page your on so I know how many pages you read and I will read that many as well! if you add a comment I will do the same!
Here is my link.
P.s. I subbed to your book as well.

@Krysteena I've reviewed the first three chapters and have a few notes!

The plot so far is interesting - I'm curious about Kaysi's powers as well as D's. There's a lot of potential for those to expand and to create an intriguing story around.

The pacing feels good throughout the chapters from the narrative perspective. The childhood memory in the first where the kids are all playing is immersive. Same as the conversation between Kaysi and D and the bully who wanted to date Kaysi.

I think the the biggest opportunities are mechanical like grammar and sentence structure. After that, sensory details and more immersive dialogue tags.

I'll highlight a few areas of opportunity below:

Quotation Mark Usage

It looks like you're wrapping quotation marks around each sentence a character speaks. Instead, when a character is speaking, all continuous dialogue should be wrapped within a single set of quotation marks. If there's an interruption to the dialogue like a dialogue tag or an action would you break the quotation marks out.

  • What's written: "Okay then." I need to add one more rule: "You're only frozen until someone gets you out."
  • Corrected quotation marks: "Okay then. I need to add one more rule. You're only frozen until someone gets you out."

One other thing I noticed is that some sentences don't close out the quotation marks properly and bleeds into dialogue tags.

  • What's written: "No she snapped, this is a summer class."
  • Corrected quotation marks: "No," she snapped, "this is a summer class."

Here's a sentence where both quotation items come up:

  • What's written: "No she snapped, this is a summer class." "I don't have regular school supplies like during normal school throughout the year, so you are out of luck. "You should have brought one," she scowled.
  • Corrected quotation marks: "No," she snapped, "this is a summer class. I don't have regular school supplies like during normal school throughout the year, so you are out of luck. You should have brought one," she scowled.

Sentence Structure

Many sentences start with "She" or "I". Since it's a first person narration, it's can be challenging to avoid that from happening, but mixing up sentence structure keeps the reader immersed. I feel like this can be alleviated two different ways: Purely focusing on sentence structure, or inserting more sensory details within your story.

Here's an example of a few sentences in a row that start with "She" from Ch 1:

What's written: "She was super intelligent, won the spelling bee, and liked to read mystery books. She would solve the mystery before she even finished the books.

Possible approach: "Last year, Micah won the spelling bee. It seemed effortless with her intelligence. Her favorite genre of books were mysteries. She would always solve the mystery before finishing the book."

Other smaller mechanical items

  • I noticed in Ch 3 that the font size changes here and there which might take the reader out from the story
  • There are a few places where something is capitalized that shouldn't be (Ch1. "That's Fair")

Sensory Details

Your story has great interactions, but something I had thought felt missing during the first three chapters are more descriptions of the world that your characters are in.

What does the schoolyard look like? Was the summer where summer school took place a particularly hot or mild summer?

Overall Thoughts

There are a lot of great interactions and elements that create a strong foundation to your story! Tidying up the grammar elements, varying sentence structure, and adding a few more details about the environment along the way can really help keep the reader immersed!

I hope this is helpful!

I've read through the first ten episodes and I'm really liking your story and style so far! I really like the way you blend sentence styles and vocabulary to really solidify the atmosphere, as well as how you take the time to flesh out the characters or make them feel 'more alive'. I'm not an expert on writing or reviewing, but I do get a strong feeling of quality in your storytelling and worldbuilding!

Here's my novel if you'd like to give the first few chapters a review.

@StrayCat, I'd love to do a review swap! I'll try to get my review of yours done asap, at latest I'll have it to you by next Saturday :smile:

If you have the time, you can check out my active project below. I would love feedback; I'm planning on doing a major round of edits and revisions after Arc 1 wraps up this year so I'll be taking it into account for everything, not just future chapters! If you have the time to read anywhere between the first 5 to the first 10 chapters, it would be invaluable :sparkles:

Hi Raspberry thank you for reaching out! I'll check yours out shortly, I'm moving a bit slow on reviewing but I'll let you know when I start reviewing!

no worries at all @StrayCat I'm gonna try and do my review of yours tonight, but it depends a bit on how cooperative my work assignments are lol
thanks for starting this thread!

@StrayCat , here's my review! I've read chapters 1-10 so far, and I'm here to stay. Love the story! If you ever want a review in the future as you keep working on it, I'm happy to do so.

my notes
Cover and title art are gorgeous and really match the tone of your story, awesome choice
description: really evocative and mysterious, and a good length. The only suggestion (and I mean suggestion as in a possible thing to try rather than an explicit improvement, as stylistically you might want to discount it) is to see if you can also write a description with less in-world terms and a more thematic focus, and compare how people respond to it.

Copy / quality of writing
One of my biggest takeaways was the quality of you writing - it is beautifully descriptive, consistently grammatically correct and with few copy issues, and the imagery you use is gorgeous.

Minor things (suggestions for tighter prose, greater clarity, etc.)
A minor thing I recommend - and something I'm hyperaware of because I do this all the time- is to make sure your use of adjectives and adverbs doesn't make your prose feel awkward or clunky. I don't think you overwhelm anything overall, and I don't say this to take away from my overall assessment of your writing, but I found myself thinking occasionally that the descriptions could be trimmed slightly without sacrificing the strength of your descriptions or narrative. Personally, I like words a lot lol so I prefer to write as I please first with everything I want to say and then I cut it down to something more streamlined later (that said, my active novel now has not undergone any significant editing, and I know it needs it). I'm sure you already have your own editing style and I don't mean to overexplain here, im pretty much just ranting about how much I like words.

The other minor things I noticed was a bit of a tendency toward longer complex sentences (again, a thing I do all the time every day so I feel weird pointing it out haha). I don't know if you have an editor or beta reader or anything available, but it might be worth a round of editing a bit for clarity if you want to keep fine-tuning it. Shortening sentences here and there might make your descriptions feel more streamlined too without you cutting much of your writing.

Example (from 1.2): "Erith surveyed the sifters within the clearing, more than a hundred in number, their faces, a blend of fear and excitement, still echoing the Warden's intensity."
Suggested changes for clarity: Erith surveyed the sifters gathered in the clearing. Their faces, more than a hundred in number, echoed the Warden's intensity with a blend of fear and excitement.

related to the clarity bit, watch out for the occasional extra comma - to save yourself time some sort of grammar checker might work? Personally I used to like grammarly for catching things like that but I quit using it when they started beta testing all the AI add ons. I haven't found a replacement since. So I'm open to suggestions on that for myself haha

but again, most of that is stylistic, so take it as you will. Tl;dr is edit a bit for clarity and conciseness.

The beginning:I absolutely love the opening chapter. You immediately have action, smooth dialogue that contextualizes the characters relationships, and you avoid an info dump. Personally, I like your slower reveal of the bare facts of the who/what/when/where/why over the first four chapters. As someone who tends towards the info dump and over-narration especially in my first drafts, I enjoyed how you integrated that information into active chapters. That's my subjective take - it certainly wouldn't hurt to have those questions answered sooner, but I think your set up is preferable to succumbing to the information dump.

Your characters dialogue is especially strong too, and I think you do a good job of balancing giving the reader the needed context while avoiding the telling / not showing trap.

And my last comment I had was how well you convey the experiences of the characters. Your description of their physical environment and feelings is almost visceral at times. It makes it all the more engaging to read.

In order to comment more on things like pacing and character development etc, Id need to read more, but everything I've read so far is awesome.

In conclusion, truly beautiful work. I'm looking forward to reading the rest! Thanks for sharing and keep it up!

PS, sorry for the ironic wall of
chaotic text wherein I wax poetic about the values of conciseness and clarity

The central premise is “cartoon characters being aware they’re trapped in a never ending cartoon”, and their reactions to that. I should make an introduction chapter that better explains that/grips the reader more than my current first chapter. I hope you got some enjoyment out of the writing despite this.

I might get rid of the title/date text, or make them smaller. I liked envisioning each page as its own comic strip, but it does ruin the flow a bit when I’m telling a longer stories with them.

The font I chose was an afterthought. Usually it’s just set on the default setting in Procreate. You’re right, I should change it to something more fitting with the art style, something curvier/handwritten looking.

The red text I think I just chose to be different. It doesn’t really add anything. I might get rid of it/just make it a really dark red.

Thank you for the feedback! Wish I knew you wrote this earlier (website didn’t notify me about your mention).

Hey @eternityoz I read the first 9 episodes and have compiled together some notes!

Plot Thoughts

I think the initial background of the realms, the waves, the Final Event, and the Calamity are were all really engaging. The stakes increase. I felt invested. Episode 6 was intense. Beyond that, the story continued to build intrigue and I can see a great journey ahead for Kaito.

Areas of opportunity

Environment Details

  • Environment details felt missing throughout the episodes. I was trying to picture what the scenery was like during Kaito's first wave, the celebration of the final event nearing, and other key moments in the plot.
  • There would be times like in Episode 4 where the mountains, forest, and lake around Hanakawa's Gate are described, but it comes all in one paragraph. I'd love to see more of environment details woven into the story as it progresses, but ideally shown rather than told.
  • I do see this description happen when you are describing aura and it's done very well.

Character reactions / Emotions

  • The characters, especially in pivotal moments, could benefit from having more emotion / reaction to what is going on. The training between Kaito, Kouki, and their father felt intense. Afterwards, the family needed to recover, but during the battle, there wasn't much emphasis on whether the characters were struggling, overwhelmed, or exhausted from all of it.
  • Some emotions are better expressed in the form of "show, don't tell". There was a slight intonation of a lie This is an example of writing where Kaito is telling the reader his mom is lying, but it could be shown through physical cues. Think of a way to show the reader rather that Kaito's mom is lying rather than telling the reader.

Minor Grammar Corrections / Breaking up Paragraphs

  • I noticed a few dialogues don't end with punctuation
  • It looks like you are intending to use em dashes, but are using a hyphen. Em dashes are a little bit easier on the eyes for dialogue: https://www.septembercfawkes.com/2019/07/how-to-use-dashin-fiction-writing.html1
  • I would recommend breaking up longer paragraphs. Longer paragraphs tend to be walls of text for mobile users, and Tapas has a huge base of readers that use mobile devices. Shorter paragraphs will provide a easier flow for mobile readers

I hope this review is helpful! Your story has fantastic elements within it. Keep weaving in immersive details of your world and how your characters are going through your world!

Thank you so much for this feedback I'm grateful for you taking the time!

I'll be picking up your story over the weekend and will begin reviewing I hope to get back to you shortly!