Thank you for your feedback and I'll definitely be keeping your advice on descriptions and grammar in mind as I go back to edit the earlier chapters over time!
8 days later
Hi @raspberry590 I've read the first 10 episodes and am back with my review!
Plot Thoughts
The premise is fantastic and creates great potential. Learning about the Saintess and how she felt about her position, her previous vision, and her future was intriguing. The Ceremony set the stage, and the Saintess' breaking point before hand led well into it.
Areas of Opportunity
Paragraph Structure
The biggest opportunity I see is the structure of the paragraphs. The overall flow of the narration is immersive, but breaking out the paragraphs would help a lot. There are plenty of Mobile/App users on Tapas, and many of them will be detracted by the paragraph structure.
The other thoughts around the paragraphs is a missed opportunity to creating pacing and emotional/impactful beats.
I took a passage which was around half of a paragraph and split it into separate lines to see if I could show a difference and added a few italics along the way.
Here's the passage as it was written:
It was clear from his tone that Kielan was disgusted.
Honestly, I agreed with that sentiment, albeit for different reasons. An outsider, witnessing the ceremony? Everything in the ceremony was meant to be sacred and holy, completely sacrosanct. That was to say, it was supposed to be secret. If an outsider saw how my visions worked, they would notice that I was not a proper Saintess. And while I thought it was inevitable that it would become public knowledge someday, and while I even hoped it might become public sooner rather than later, that did not mean anyone should learn about it before a new Saint appeared.
Here's the passage broken out into different lines with a few italics added for additional emphasis:
It was clear from his tone that Kielan was disgusted.
Honestly, I agreed with that sentiment, albeit for different reasons.
An outsider, witnessing the ceremony?
Everything in the ceremony was meant to be sacred and holy, completely sacrosanct. That was to say, it was supposed to be secret.
If an outsider saw how my visions worked, they would notice that I was not a proper Saintess.
And while I thought it was inevitable that it would become public knowledge someday, and while I even hoped it might become public sooner rather than later, that did not mean anyone should learn about it before a new Saint appeared.
Em Dashes might help
This one is preference - Em dashes are great with breaks in sentences and helps give a little bit more of a narrative flow. Overusing them gets jarring for the reader, but here's the same paragraph with em dashes added
It was clear from his tone. Kielan was disgusted.
Honestly, I agreed with that sentiment—albeit for different reasons.
An outsider, witnessing the ceremony?
Everything in the ceremony was far too sacred, too holy for an outsider to intervene. Completely sacrosanct—that was to say, it was supposed to be secret.
Besides, if an outsider saw my visions, they would undoubtedly see I was not a proper Saintess.
And while it was inevitable that it would become public knowledge—while I even hoped it might become public sooner rather than later, that didn’t mean anyone should learn about it before a new Saint appeared.
Sentence Structure
Occasionally sentences feel clunky that take the reader out from the immersion.
“Movements a bit jerky as though she were hesitant or unsure, the priest pulled what looked like a large black ladle from somewhere in her voluminous robes.”
“After her last swallow, the Saintess lowered the ladle, carelessly allowing the remaining Holy water to fall back into the Spring, the droplets gleaming and casting new shadows before they hit the pool.”
Character Voice
I felt while reading that the Saintess had a voice to the narrative that I could follow, but once I started reading Erik, his voice felt the same. I looked back and noticed that their sentences and word choice feel very similar. I'd
First person narration could benefit from varied sentence structure to better pace the narration. It can add emotional beats.
Sensory Details
I think you've done a great job of weaving in detail to the narration. Details about what the Saintess was wearing was threaded well into Episode 4 when Emilia is helping the Saintess with putting on her ceremonial accessories.
Occasionally, sensory details feel forced:
Indigo seems to be a deliberate color for the character, but I felt that the first time we learn about the Saintess' indgo robes, they off-handedly mentioned "My indigo robes" and then moved on. Through the narration see if you can find opportunities to bring up more details such as why the robes are indigo.
Here's another example where "the droplets gleaming and casting new shadows before the hit the pool" feels a bit forced.
“After her last swallow, the Saintess lowered the ladle, carelessly allowing the remaining Holy water to fall back into the Spring, the droplets gleaming and casting new shadows before they hit the pool.”
Overall Thoughts
The plot is engaging. It's got elements that left me thinking about what comes next. The characters are dynamic, and feel layered. I could feel the Saintess' disdain for Kielan—the character dynamics are wonderful. Your narration is immersive, and I feel it could truly shine with refinements to sentence and paragraph structure.
I hope this review is helpful! Sorry it took me a little longer than I expected!
