Hi everyone! I would just like to know if my story confuses people since my story is a fanfic (yes I asked if I could publish fanfic here on Tapas). I just want to know if it's too detailed are not enough details (my friend that usually helps me with this has been busy job hunting for the past three months).
Please tell me if I need to fix up anything and thank you for checking it for me.
Dec '17
Dec '17
hmm... it would help if you started a new paragraph when a new person talks. por ejemplo
"Is dad still talking to Dr. Lyons?" I asked one of the two figures that were doing whatever they wanted in my room.
[indent] "Yeah, he is Angel," The figure made of light replied.
"Do you know what they are talking about Noah?" I asked.
[indent] "Does it look like I know what they're talking about?" He snapped. This didn't faze me.
its general practice to start a new paragraph when a new character speaks, and really helps with clarity of dialogue. thisll also help with the spacing of your text, making it easier to read. a long paragraph can begin to feel like a run-on sentence, its best to start a new paragraph when you can (new speaker, new line of thought / topic. the rules are pretty vague when it comes to paragraphing in fiction but use paragraph size for the sake of flow and clarity)
also, you could use looking into 'show not tell.'
i found it very confusing first up the narrator is in the room with 2 other characters, Angel and Nova there was a chance to show something of the character in what they were doing int he room, instead of saying instead 'they did what they want to in my room' angel could be sat on the bed reading a book, while Nova is crumpling up pieces of paper and tossing them into a waste paper bin for example.
you describe that they have taken physical form and they hate each other but couldn't because they were angels two other personalities - but surely angel and Nova are part of the narrators personality? is the Narrator Noah? The first paragraph makes it difficult to work out who is who
there seems to be a house party with nearly 40 people in one house - how big is this place?
and introducing us to a load of people and i am not sure who is who.
for example, having introduced us to Julius and telling us he has at least 2 girls we see a little bit of character, teasing his kids, but i don't know how old these girls are
then all of a sudden Io gets out of the pool, who's Io? he wasn't mentioned in the previous paragraph. i find it annoying that we get these D&D style stats for all these characters after they have been introduced. and unless the ethnicity or age of these characters is a direct plot point, why mention it? maybe give the characters a loose description, and let the reader flesh out the details using their own imagination.
ok heres an example of show dont tell:
I looked over at the pool. There was Julius, Tanned and muscular his, hair graying at the temples and his eyes closed as his mouth twitched almost as if in prayer.
From the middle of his back, the skin and muscles seemed to ripple like stones tossed in a pond. Before long the skin and muscles had transformed into triangular flat fin, like those of a great shark,
He sank into the water, The newly formed gills at his neck opening and closing, He started to swim, towards two girls in the middle of the pool. they did not notice the fin moving, silently towards them until it was too late and the were dragged under before being tossed into the air before being caught in Julius Muscular arms.
"Dad!", squealed one of the girls in a blue swimming costume, pushing her hair out of her eyes
"you got my hair wet! its going to take ages to dry it!"
I have introduced Julius, that he is tanned and muscular that he has the ability to turn into a shark and that at least one of the girls is his daughter, and that she has a vain streak ( doesnt want to get her hair wet)
First, Angel and Nova are very close. It's Nova and Noah that hate each other, but I do see your point. Declan (My MPD Alter) and I will work on that here in a bit. Now understand what 'show not tell' means. Alrighty, I get to work on this now. If you don't mind, could I ask you later (when I fixed it up), if it looks any better?
so like... a lot of the times, you say 'this annoyed so-and-so.' or 'this didnt bother so-and-so because x y z'
it makes it sound a lot flatter, theres less for the reader to work out (which readers want to do, its fun) and makes it feel less like a story, if that makes sense. so instead of
"i love justin bieber," said kay. this annoyed andrew.
it should be.
Kay smiled, "I love justin bieber." Andrew pulled up the side of his mouth and made a quiet 'tutting' noise.
instead of
"oh yeah i broke your laptop," said steve. this didnt phase ella because she just won the lottery so shes chill.
it should be
"Oh yeah," said steve, avoiding her eye, "i broke your laptop."
Ella shrugged, spinning in her chair - it needed replacing anyway, didn't it?
y'get me?
a lot of times youll start a sentence with 'this.' 'x character has x feature. this makes them look x.' makes it sound like an essay - you dont even need to explicitly say they look x. this:
"Nova had a huge murderous grin that was plastered on to his face. Adding to the murderous grin were his big, wide eyes. This made him look insane."
could be this:
"Nova's grin was huge, stretching across his gaunt face as some glinting, murderous moon, accompanied by large, ever-widened eyes. The overall effect was jarring." people get the idea
awesome! 
theres lots of resources on show dont tell if you look around, its a very popular writing rule 
I am new to the writing scene so this will certainly help me out. Even during spring, since I'm taking an 'Intro to Fiction' class at the college. Taking it to help myself understand writing and all.
thatll be great!! in the mean time, theres a tonne of podcasts and blogs on writing to help you along the way, and depending on where you live there could even be local writing workshops for free or cheap (i live in london and theres always smth for free at a local adult college or for a fiver at a community centre, but idk what its like in your area) (and youre totally doing the right thing just going ahead and starting writing. no better way to learn than by doing)
There might be something like that around here (I live in the same area as the characters in my story). I know that it is common for writers to write what they know best. So I ended up making the location in my home area. The area is the place that I have been too, in the two states Missouri and Illinois (American here). The personalities of Angel and Nova are an exact copy of me and one of my alters personality (Angel has Calix's personality. Nova has Declan's personality). Noah is an experiment for me. Trying to be nothing but a jerk like 24/7 and hating children (I love children). So this will be new.
Also, the reason why there are stats for some characters and not the others is that the ones with the stats are important to the story. The ones that do not have stats are not important. It is also like a bookmark for Declan.
"I put them down so we could edit the details about them later." - Declan
Hey @punkarsenic could I message you apart of my rewrite to see if it would be good to post? I have the episode marked for mature and I have just reread the guidelines. I would like to have a second opinion on it. Or should I be asking a staff member?
im not comfortable with potentially mature content myself, but there are lots of threads on here about what should and shouldnt be marked mature and some people have given some very in depth and useful responses. if you posted the excerpt youre worried about and asked for advice on it, im sure people would be happy to advise you
