The Bystander Effect

A few years ago my partner and I were on our way to an anime convention and we were using the train. There was a gross guy harassing a couple of young women who were obviously going to the con, too, so I suddenly called out to them, pretending that I knew them. I just yelled out some random names and cheerfully said something along the lines of "Hey, we haven't seen you guys in forever! Come sit with us so we can catch up!". The women took the cue and came over to where we were sitting. We let them sit closest to the window and kept ourselves in the aisle seats. Gross guy left and we had a laugh about the really dumb names I came up with at the spur of the moment ^_^;

I'm a pretty small woman, so if it was a situation where someone was getting beat up, I don't think I'd be much help physically, but I could phone the police and be as loud about it as possible in the hope that the violent person would get scared off.

post withdrawn happy now? though is had freedom of speech but oh wait that's just a fantasy in this world now.

I would rather say, that love by itself is not bad, but only if it's controlled by intellect; particularly, if you don't give your love to those who doesn't value it anyway. At least, it's how I personally see it.

Anyway, I think that abusive relationships are very complicated subject by themselves (and they actually require the distinct topic to discuss them properly). Particularly, their tragedy is that the victim often don't understand that they are abused (for example, because they don't realise that better kind of relationships are possible for them). In this case, bystander can't help.
From my experience, this mindset can be defeated only by going through other, respective and kind, and in the same time long and serious relationships (not necessarily romantic; friendly relationships are helpful, too). It can't be defeated at once; it's a long and complicated process.
In my opinion, all what the bystander can do for a victim of such a sad situation, is call the police, if their life is under direct threat (for example, if the abusive person has a weapon). But if the victim doesn't want to be saved and covers up their offender, there is nothing to do at all.... (at least, if you aren't their close friend and don't want to invest an incredible amount of time and efforts to help them to change their mindset and rethink their life.)

I'm the type to run to help, but... I don't necessarily think it's a good thing either. I have no training, I'm pretty impulsive and I can potentially make things worse. I know I'm not the best candidate to help, but because I have little trust in humans, I have the tendency to think that if I don't do it no one will.
I have never been in a very bad, immediate danger situation, but helping with people getting harrassed or threatened, yes. But it's risky for everyone because I don't really know what I'm doing.

I do think unless there is immediate danger the best is to call for help, professional if possible.

@mariusthered
Freedom of speech means that the government can't harm you for anything you're saying. It doesn't protect you from other people disagreeing with you and appealing to you to be more considerate towards others. Which I did. Or, well, tried to do, which apparently was misunderstood. But it was nothing more.

@tired_programmer
If this forum belongs to all of us (which it does lol), you will have to live with people disagreeing with you, as well, just as you said yourself. "Please don't say potentially harmful things" is a request, not me trying to shut someone up. Apologies if that came across as if I were trying to assert dominance. ^^

I recognize that my statement was a bit broad as well, but I stand by the message. Why be so harsh on people who already suffer? Why not be more considerate what your words could do to others? That was the only goal of my post, not policing your opinion about love in general, mariustheread.

I simply misread the bit about "you're better off alone" as being targeted at the person you were trying to help that day, which then would've been disrespectful toward her, you know? That you were talking about yourself was only clear to me in later posts you made here. And that is an opinion I won't challenge, because it's deeply personal what each of us thinks of love.

I think that should clear things up.

Other than that: Never endanger yourself if you can help it! I haven't read nearly as much about the bystander effect as I'd like to, but I suspect that that's part of the reason so many people could struggle with actively helping (even just calling the police). Sure, the shared responsibility is a HUGE factor, but when I think about the fear of hurting oneself? I think that at least takes second place. I remember stepping between an aggressor and a friend of mine, and I almost sh*t my pants.

It went well in the end, but that's not always the case. So as long as you don't think you can handle the situation in front of you, every step could be one too much. Especially since:

As laypersons, it might impede any chance of a situation being calmed down, even—be it psychologically or when people get physical. Most of us aren't trained to de-escalate things like these. Professionals are always our best bet if we can trust them to do their job right.

But I do wonder how we can really break through this bystander effect. I mean, as you're saying, @DokiDokiTsuna, most people don't even call for help. Do you think that's a modern phenomenon? You know, with more people around, no close-knit communities etc.? I wonder.

I think is because at this point the society was big enough for people to not know everyone. Some travelling facilities like carriages allowed people to go from a city to another. They even organized caravans to travel more safely which means more people fluctuating. Definitively not as much as nowadays, but big enough for people not knowing everyone.

Also, unfortunately, people may not know these people, so there is not enough trust to help in that way. Maybe with a coin or two, something that may not be risky for the helper.

You both raise good points. xD

Maybe "modern" should be used as a broader term, then? Or better yet: big civilizations? I doubt that in Ancient Rome people were more amenable to help out strangers than in today's society, for example.

But smaller communities? Take modern indigenous peoples, for example. If the colonizing west hasn't reached them yet, they mostly seem to be working just fine with each other, having a real sense of responsibility when it comes to the community as a whole (or nature, for that matter).

I think we could learn so much from them. Maybe even in terms of the bystander effect.

I have saved someone before, but in a pretty crazy way. Basically I had to pull a machete on someone. It was alight though, I didn't get arrested, but I see what you mean. Many times we like to think we'll make the difference but when the time comes we only wait for others to do it.

I never pick up the phone when other people are in the house because I'm a coward.

I wonder if there is a correlation between higher population and the chance to become a part of the bystander effect.

I live in a small town (largest in the county in land but smallest in population) and recently at my job at the library we had to deal with a mentality unstable man. I had no problems calming him down as I have experience with mentally disturbed individuals. (Family and otherwise) However my coworker was shaking in her boots and not handling it well, I step in front of her and handled the man. He was yelling and upset so one of our patrons came up to the desk to put a book on hold. He could have done that from any computer himself but he came up to be sure the three little Librarians didn’t need help. Thankfully we didn’t, but it was kind of him to find an excuse to be close by when the situation was escalating.

I think in a small town people are more likely to step in, because there is a higher chance they know you and care about you. So maybe the solution to this effect is to get to know your neighbors. Obviously you can’t know everyone but it might help.

Unfortunately I'm a coward too and highly affected by the bystander effect. Even if I decide to help, it's mostly small things and only if the person in trouble calls for it. Like a poor woman who slipped and got stucked in the mud and was yelling for help but everyone ignored her. I'm small and weak but somehow managed to get her out. It really wasn't a big thing.

Otherwise, I freak out very easily and get shocked or even start crying (I'm useless). I also had a scary experience before and because of that I easily get scared of people (especially older men). I want to keep the topic SFW so won't go into details but long story short, 12-years-old me was walking home late at night on a quiet and dark path next to a stream I knew very well. I've heard dog barking in the distance and then a pedophile came to me and asked me to find his dog. Near the stream it was slippery and hard to climb back, so I agreed to go down looking for the dog but couldn't find it. The man said it's fine and I should get back up but then he started acting strangely and I had to see something I was not prepared for. Thankfully, I was lucky, I used to be a fast-runner at those times so I could escape easily. My parents didn't believe my story though, so nothing happened after that.

But anyway, this memory also affects how I react if I see someone in need of help. It's easier to help girls like me and as the person in trouble gets older I feel more and more useless and scared to get involved. I know it's not a good thing but can't help it.