Hi all,
I've recently joined the site and posted the first episode of my novel (link below). My main aim on here is to try and improve my writing (as a novice), so was wondering if anyone would be able to review? Also, what's the normal etiquette on here - mutual reviews etc?
Many thanks in advance.
Keith
Oct '22
Nov '22
For mutual reviews, tell the other party that you'll do a review swap.Then people will usually check your history on the forums, but since you are new, somone might have to take the plunge first. Also, it might be better to ask what specific areas you want people to review. For instance, you want people to review the flow of the chapter, or you want them to review the dialogue or the tone and style, etc.
It helps people know what you want out of this, as a general review without focus does take a good amount of effort. However, once you do this, you 'll find that more people will want to help you out. Honestly, I'm one of those people, so once you give the specifics, I'll take a look.
Hi Spectorium,
Thank you that's good advice, I really appreciate the reply. I'll hopefully get some review swaps sorted over the next few days and weeks. In terms of what specific areas I'm interested in, I think it's whether the flow of the writing and is the narrative voice ok. I have a tendency to write sentences that take the reader out of the story, and often when I redraft I find examples. But I can't always spot them if that makes sense? Other than that, anything that particularly stands out as good or bad.
I've just been having a read of the Ethrian Compendium - I'm interested about that concept, it seems quite unique. Are they excerpts designed to link together and build a world?
Ok, if that's the case: (Disclaimer, I read the whole thing, but to avoid spoilers, I'll try to stick to examples that are in the beginning.)
**
You tell the reader "His time is almost up" Then proceed to paraphrase it in the next sentence: "The moment of opportunity Zan had been craving for hours was almost up."
And in the same sentence, "moment" and "opportunity" share the same meaning. Though they are used for different situations, they are technically synonyms, so it's also redundant to put both in the same sentence.
Same thing in your descriptions, "a man of the guard" can just be simplified to "guard" which makes it less confusing to read.
I see this is a common mistake, as you also do the same when describing his feeling towards death, and other things. It might be good to remind the reader of these things, but not in the same chapter. However, this problem is a pretty easy fix, so don't worry too much about it, you just gotta practice a bit more.
**
"The moment of opportunity Zan had been craving for hours was almost up"
When you break it down, you have 2 ideas that are being mashed into the same sentence.
1: This was the moment Zan had been craving for (here the focus is on Zan, as he is the main subject of the sentence)
2: this moment is almost up. (Describes moment)
If you want to link something like this, go through the word that the 2 ideas share in common, "moment".
so rearrange your ideas:
1: Zan had been craving for this moment (here, the main subject shifts to this moment, as Zan becomes secondary)
2: this moment is almost up (Describes moment)
Add in a little flair and dramatize it, and you get: "This was the moment/opportunity that Zan had been craving for, but it was almost up.
Of course, you can write it in diferent ways and get the same effect:
"Zan had spent hours craving for this opportunity, which was almost up."
"This was the opportunity of a lifetime, but his time was almost up." (you can spit it into 2 "sentences" like this using a comma conjunction as well, which links and partitions the ideas)
You can choose whatever you think fits, as long as the idea matches up with the logical flow. Use the example above as a rough guide, and once you get the hang of it, it will help the flow of the story. If you want to learn more, just search up independent and dependent clauses, and how to use them.
I won't go into this as much, as it's more of a style thing, but I would recommend that you try to integrate descriptions into your character's actions. It's not necessary, but its helpful for when you have too many to put down.
For example, I'm guessing your MC has green skin, so something like: " He stretched his arms, his skin giving off a green sheen, and got ready for the mission" Or, "His blue eyes turned towards the man and widened."
Your narration is pretty good. Just try to focus on one idea/character at one time. For example, you're talking about Zan and how his time is almost up, then it suddenly goes into a decription of a dead guard laying on the ground, and Zan's numbness to death.
It's a bit off topic, since the reader want to know what's happening with the opportunity and what Zan's gonna do with the limited amount of time.
It seems like you wrote the "time is almost up" just for the sake of having a interesting hook and not for the plot, so you can easily fix this by getting rid of it and making the guard's death as the hook, which works just as well.
Just work on the things above, your descriptions are good, and your content seems pretty interesting. You do a pretty decent job at giving what is necessary, but I would double check. It definitely has potential as a story, and once you fix the main issues, your flow and narration will be much better, making your story into a great one.
Thanks 
Yeah, I am essentially trying to make a fictional library using excerpts that are created by me and other authors.
Some are meant to world build, which are the ones that I mainly write, but there are fictional pieces that don't mean as much to world building (such as the ones that other authors write) However, they are just as significant, since I plan to link them all into the main story I'm going to write. As a little spoiler, books will play an important role in Ethra, and I hope that everyone will get to see how their superpower excerpt is implemented.
Thanks for checking it out! Also, feel free to join in if you want, I don't mind commissioning another one and no experience is needed.
Hi, I'd be interested in a review swap! I won't be able to properly read your story until tomorrow the latest but I will definitely take a look! Is there anything specific you want me to look for and do you prefer a private DM or are you ok with a review on this thread?
If you do a review for me, I don't mind a general overview, feel free to point on specific things though! I'd also prefer it to be privately DM'd to me, but like I guess it doesn't matter too much lol
That's some really great feedback Spectorium, thanks! Appreciate you taking the time.
I see what you're saying, I think I'm going to tweak the episode a little based on your comments. To be honest, the first paragraph has always bothered me - it's a difficult thing to get right I think, and it's the most important too.
I might well do, I need to read them all through first I think. They do all seem really good though, I'm not sure I'd be of the same quality at this stage!
Hi,
Yes no problem I can do a review swap. I must confess that I'm no expert but I love to read so can give my thoughts generally if that's ok. No problem about DM, As for mine, I'm not sure what the usual etiquette is on here, but either a reply here or comment on the episode, either is fine with me.
I'll have a look at yours, will probably be tomorrow though if that's ok.
Rock solid advice from Spectorium, that's the sort of editorial review people often pay for.
I can't add a thing to it, but I wholly agree with all points.
(One of these days I'll need to get the guts to ask Spec to review my own stuff).
Completely agree, I only wish I could return the favour but being a learner somewhat, I don't think I could offer too much at this point that isn't already apparent!
Thanks for the complement! You also make some really cute dolls, I can't wait for you to open up commissions. I'll also look forward to the day you ask.
@KeithRW, thanks as well. It's no biggie. You give back by giving me experience, so it's all good. I don't mind helping out people who just started writing for free as well. I believe in supporting artists after all, especially newer ones.
And don't worry about the quality of the excerpt you submit, I usually edit those beforehand. I don't expect everyone to have the same opportunities or experiences that I had, because I purposely took courses for editing.
And for your quality of writing, you can definitely get there. Editing/grammar is just a bunch of rules after all, and some general do's/don'ts. The only real skill that's involved in editing is the speed at which it happens, so you can definitely get your writing to the same quality level as more famous writers if you learn.
(not me though, I'm not that good enough to be a reference but I appreciate it a lot.)
I just finished reading your first chapter!
First off, I think the concept is interesting, you obviously have a specific image in mind and you do really well in describing the setting of the world we're in. It's a strong start to the story, and I think with some tweaks it could really shine to be an impactful first chapter.
I think you can definitely sit in moments for longer periods of time. Right now, it feels like we're going from scene to scene as fast as possible, when really we need to start developing a bond with this main character. This is not to say we should necessarily start to like him at the get-go, but more so we could use actions, feelings, dialogue that reflect his inner state so we as the reader have a better sense of who our main protagonist is.
You know what you want to happen and you know the larger and important story beats, but I think it's also important to have the little details to help flesh out the characters and the world. It's always easier to delete sentences rather than add them!
This is a great start to your story, and I look forward to seeing how you and your story develop overtime!
closed Nov 4, '22
