Oh thank you so much!! okay, I like these expansions, maybe i've been axing this too hard hmmm, especially that bit about hope, because it's a very big theme in the novel.
The ... ah, trapped does mean trapped. Literally. Which is a shame because i love the line you put in there! I'm tryna get a balance because i don't want too many spoilers in there... its so hard!
~okay I'm back! I'm gonna go ahead and put two in here to save myself space.
@ratscout I think you need to take your advice for me on this one, you've told us what happens but give it a bit of style! I wish I'd gotten to reading Inheritance yet, because I feel like this is one that would be better advised by knowing the content and atmosphere, so I'm gonna talk generalities unfortunately.
I do remember you posted that sfx excerpt which I thought was great because he was a little ... neurotic in it. So he's gotta behave flawlessly at the ball - why is this difficult? Dude's gotta be kinda crazy after living in a tower for 12 years (also write twelve not 12 in your blurb), and this evil heritage stuff - how does that come into play? How does it affect him? Does it affect him, or is it a political ploy?
The first sentence could be shorter, chopped after heritage, and start a new one for Finally as they're two different concepts. I think last bit could be delivered a little punchier like new sentence: "There's just one condition: He must behave flawlessly for one night at the ball." (this is not great, I'm a little tired haha) - also is this ball significant? Is it a special one?
Other than that, there's a situation, stakes, and a conflict - everything a blurb needs. Just spice it up a little like you did for mine!
(also ditto on your bit about ivanskilling's blurb, and ditto the reading stories about stalkers, it's exactly what hooked me in hahaa)
@domisotto This one is quite short so shouldn't be an essay (yay). This isn't for the novel I read, is it? (of course not haha) Also am I using blurb wrong?
So, yes the story sounds intriguing, it sounds really cool, a great good vs evil concept and dwelling on corruptibility, sounds like it'd have some great themes and conflict. However, I think for a glimpse, the language is too heavy. It'd read better if there was just a little more room to breathe between the heavier words. 'virtuous essence' is your heaviest bit here. One of those words is probably best off substituted or for them to be separated from each other by some different phrasing. This sentence is also maybe a touch clinical? I actually can't put my finger on it, but I think the words suppress and vessel are what are throwing me off. They aren't emotional words.
The bit about the healer being his friend seems less punchy than the corruption, but it's also lighter phrasing so by swapping those two bits around, you could definitely breathe some air into it, something like:
[...] vessel. He has one friend amongst the demons, a healer, but this friendship threatens him with irredeemable corruption he must avoid to [stake].
That's very, very rough, (it's very, very late ) but hopefully you get the gist. I hope this winds up on tapas though, because I'd be excited to read it!
@foxnflames I promise I'll do yours tomorrow!! I forgot I hadn't done it when I was going through in order