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Nov 2022

Hello everyone~

I briefly worked on a new romance novel during the summer when I was in a slump for one of my novels :sweat_smile: I wanted to get feedback and/or critiques on the first few chapters to see whether anyone would be interested in reading it! Or just general feedback xD

Some things I'm looking for:
1. What do you think of the overall flow of the story?
2. Is there anything I could improve upon? (i.e. grammar, any confusing scenes?)
3. Is the trope easily identifiable? Or is it too vague to pin point?
4. Was there anything else that stood out to you?

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    Oct '22
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    Nov '22
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Quick notes for the moment but I'll try and give more thoughts when I have the time:

  1. Feels a little bit... weaboo I guess? It feels like you're pushing for a very asian culture, either Japanese or Korean. Maybe a mix of both. But it feels kind of forced. I'm not sure where you're from personally, but this reads like a westerner who's really weaboo. It's a little off-putting for that reason.

  2. A number of odd sentences. "peeking a glance" is sort of redundant because both 'peeking' and 'glance' mean the same thing here. It's better to simplify to "I glanced".

  3. There's a lot of texting style grammar and punctuation, which is very immersion-breaking. For example, "if only my friends had stayed for the summer...!" is improper punctuation. An ellipsis should be used in either dialogue or thought, also, not via story narration.

I'd love to give it a look in a bit and let you know what I think :slight_smile: would you prefer I send my comments via a PM or post them here on the thread?

Thank you for the feedback! :blush: I definitely need to brush up on my proofreading, lol.

I didn't think my story would give off a weaboo vibe :joy: Could you maybe elaborate on it if you don't mind? :sweat_smile: I'm Korean-American so maybe I don't really see it? Or I am a weaboo and I didn't realize... Oh god. :grimacing: This definitely was not the vibe I was going for.

I mean, being a weaboo isn't a bad thing. A lot of people are, whether they admit it or not. Hell, Pewdiepie is the biggest person on youtube and he's a massive weaboo. But it does translate poorly to written work, I think. The story reads very classic to old school manga but it is a novel, which makes it feel disjointed and strange. I feel like you were writing this while visualizing it as a manga/anime rather than a written novel.

Ahh I see. To be honest, I do tend to visualize more while writing :sweat_smile: I don't really write in a typical novel style since I'm still trying to experiment with my writing style (plus, I'm still pretty much a novice when it comes to writing novels/ stories).

Thank you for this clarification! :blush: I may have to tweak a few things with this story to make it seem more like a novel :sweat_smile:

I've only read into the first chapter for now after quickly breezing through the notes here! Here's my two cents:
- Although I'm not extremely put off by the asian setting so much (I'm an Asian-Aussie!) I can see what the poster above was referring to. I guess this can be tackled through behaviour and more organic dialogue instead? :slight_smile: I.e. In chap 1, Noel/Da-eun's name - Irl, this would sound a little odd since most people typically have a preferred name their friends often call them by, and don't normally bring up their native names (or my experience anyway) so the flow is sort of disrupted for me here! And I guess if there's a certain name for the dumpling soup it'd be nice to add that in too, to make it sound more natural (though I think its mostly fine)
- I normally don't see "~" used in novel writing actually! So this sort of broke the flow for me. I think its used moreso used online/texts. But if that's your writing style, that's fine.
- I do think the flow from 'Lucky Charm' does feel more natural to me, and I can tell its where most of the writing comes from. But with the shift of perspective, there are some parts of MC's thoughts vs her actions that do confuse me in the writing, which does break a bit of my immersion. I can tell you're more of a visual thinker, and the writing itself isn't bad at all!
- The trope definitely is there!

Thank you for the feedback! :slight_smile:

This is my first time writing in first perspective, so it's a bit rusty, ngl. :grimacing: I'm having trouble balancing actions from thoughts, so that's going to be something I'm going to have to work on :sweat_smile:

That's alright! I personally think 1st person is quite hard to write in. I guess what you could do is refer to someone else's work and try to pick up their writing style and see how they balance it!

1 month later

closed Nov 7, '22

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