Jun 2019
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Jun 2019
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IndigoShirtProd
Jun '19

I plan on releasing a short story on tapastic, but I have had any feedback on it. For the sake of not leaving anyone without context, I'll just put in the first paragraph or so. Tell me, is it interesting? What could I improve? Does it make you want to read the story? All inquires are welcome. I want to at least finish writing the whole story before I release episodes so I'm not throwing chapters together just to reach an update.
Put in your own novels If you think there's something I can learn from reading them.

*
With pipe planted firmly in the corner of his mouth and newspaper crinkled in hand, the master of the Rosenthal Estate briskly walked the corridors of his home. Noises heard from the hollow walls surrounding his study spooked him into returning to his bedroom, but unfortunately, the noises followed him. He reached the largest hallway of his home. Gigantic floor-to-ceiling windows gave whomever peered out of them a clear, unobstructed view of a spacious yard, unless the burgundy drapes hung in front of them. The sky was dark; the moon was new and invisible. The clouds were heavy, but it was not storming. . . yet.
The other end of the hall seemed an eternity away, especially now that the noises had stopped from behind the walls, making the master all the more nervous. He quickened his pace but only made it halfway down the hall before a lightning bolt flashed outside and he saw the shadow of his murderer. He reached for the double barrel shotgun that hung between the only two rooms in this hall, but it was too late. The master’s screams of agony were upstaged by the thunder claps that broke forth from the heavy clouds. Rain began pouring down like blood from the master’s arteries and the calm before the storm had ended.
*

Be as critical as necessary, I have thick skin.

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    Jun '19

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    Jun '19
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MichaelFIGComix
Jun '19

I have no critiques :smile: I read the entire thing, and I have to say it drew me in!
It also sounds very professional! And everything is worded in the right places!
You have a good thing going here! Keep it up!

IndigoShirtProd
Jun '19

Thanks! I'm glad you like it. Hopefully you'll like the rest of it when I finally post it.

SleepingPoppy
Jun '19

With pipe planted firmly in the corner of his mouth and newspaper crinkled in hand, the master of the Rosenthal Estate briskly walked the corridors of his home. Noises heard from the hollow walls surrounding his study spooked him into returning to his bedroom, but unfortunately, the noises followed him.

It seems a little off that he's walking the corridors but the sounds that scare him comes from the study's walls. Maybe he's walking to his study, but is frightened into heading to his bedroom instead, but it could be clearer. Maybe something along the lines of "As he reached his study, he heard..."

He reached the largest hallway of his home. Gigantic floor-to-ceiling windows gave whomever peered out of them a clear, unobstructed view of a spacious yard, unless the burgundy drapes hung in front of them. The sky was dark; the moon was new and invisible. The clouds were heavy, but it was not storming. . . yet.

Just seems like a lot if extra words/description here.

"Gigantic floor-to-ceiling windows gave an unobstructive view of a spacious yard, framed by heavy burgundy drapes. The sky was dark; the new moon invisible. The clouds were heavy, but it was not storming. . . yet."

People know how curtains work, so you don't need to explain that they can be closed! You could leave them out entirely, but I think if you feel their inclusion adds something, I'd just say "framed". Note, the way you had it isn't wrong, I just think it flows better streamlined.

The other end of the hall seemed an eternity away, especially now that the noises had stopped from behind the walls, making the master all the more nervous. He quickened his pace but only made it halfway down the hall before a lightning bolt flashed outside and he saw the shadow of his murderer.

Maybe "the shadow of his would be murderer."?

My only other thought is that the "noise" he's hearing is very vague. I don't know if this is intentional, but if it's possible to be more specific/descriptive, you might try that. I don't know if he's hearing mysterious scrapes from inside the walls, or demonic whispering. Is I the a strange and subtle creaking, or an obvious banging? Etc.

I am not particularly a writer, and my advice should be taken with a grain of salt! This is just my opinion on how you might improve things, but over all I think it's very interesting, and I'm left wondering mostly in good ways. =)

elyss
Jun '19

I would break all that up into smaller bites. Here's a link3 to a writing site that might help with where you would break it up.

Allyx
Jun '19

Some of the phrases are a little weird, and there are some grammatical issues. For example:

With a pipe?

This is written in passive voice, which writers generally want to avoid. It would typically be better to say that "he heard noises from the hollow walls that surrounded his study, and they spooked him into returning to his bedroom."

This sentence is rambling, but you could probably split the last clause and make it into two sentences. For example: "The other end of the hall seemed an eternity away, especially now that the noises from behind the walls had stopped. However, this made the master even more nervous."

If I remember correctly, this should be "double-barrel shotgun." But someone, please correct me if I'm wrong.

Besides that, I like that you have sentence variety and a strong vocabulary :slight_smile: It also seems to be an interesting introduction, and I would probably read the rest if it were here.

IndigoShirtProd
Jun '19
SleepingPoppy

Thank you for taking the time to critique my story.

Firstly, I want to make clear that the master is supposed to be walking away from his study to his bedroom. The situation is, he's in his study working late but then he hears some noises in the wall, he's aware of what it might be and then he decides he doesn't want to stick around. Thanks for pointing that out. I didn't realize it might be unclear to some readers.

I have a tendency to over compensate when I write descriptions. I'm likely going to need to fine tune descriptions throughout the text to make them more concise but meaningful.

Since your not the only person who's pointed this out, it's in my best interest to describe the noise better.

Yea, yea that's a better line.

Again thanks for taking the time to read and give me some advice

IndigoShirtProd
Jun '19
Allyx

Thank for reading these paragraphs for me!

That's what happens when I try to be artistic in my writing, but it ends up just sounding wrong. I'll try to keep that to a minimum.

I'll try to keep this in mind and focus on this when I'm editing and re-editing. I have a lot of bad habits when I write and this is one of them.

It's double-barreled shotgun. Huh. . .

Anyway, thanks for reading and critiquing. This information was very useful.

beta1042
Jun '19

First I gotta say, thank you for keeping a single tense. More often than not I see people mix up their tenses and it drives me nuts. I personally would change a lot- and a lot of this is my personal opinion so you can do with this as you want. I feel like the order of sentences is not to my liking, and makes it difficult to follow. I feel like despite this being about a man who is followed in his own house and murdered, I, the reader, didn't feel fear/anxiety/etc. I didn't feel any emotion at all actually, probably because there was so much focus on random details of the setting and many of the sentences are really wordy and long and taken from an almost outsider point of view.

Here's how I'd rewrite:
It was a dark moonless night. The clouds came in thick and heavy, but the storm had not started... yet. He was working late this night on something/reading his newspaper/etc [insert info on why he was in the study] when suddenly he heard noises from the hollow walls surrounding his study. In his gut, he knew what those noises were. He knew he had to leave the study. With a pipe planted firmly in the corner of his mouth and a newspaper crinkled in his hand, the master of the Rosenthal Estate briskly walked the corridors of his home. Gigantic floor-to-ceiling windows gave him a clear view of his spacious yard[is there a reason for this info? like is he looking for the murderer? maybe add something about that or remove this info altogether].
His bedroom was on the other end of the hall, yet that seemed an eternity away[personally I don't like mixing time with distance so I probably wouldn't use eternity, but I'm trying to keep as many of your words as possible here]. The noises were no longer behind the walls. He was nervous and anxious. A bead of sweat dripped down his face as he quickened his pace. Then suddenly a bolt of lightening illuminated the hallway and revealed the shadow of the person responsible for the noises. He reached for the shotgun that hung on the wall, but he was too late. The master’s screams of agony were hidden by the thunderous claps that broke forth from the heavy clouds. Rain began pouring down like blood from the master’s arteries and the calm before the storm had ended.

SleepingPoppy
Jun '19
IndigoShirtProd

The confusion comes from the first line. You describe him walking briskly through the corridors before ever mentioning the study. Just switch it to describing what he's doing (maybe reading his paper?) in the study, then scary noise. ^^

I actually think starting a little flowery then editing down the excess is a good method. Just think about what information is important. And with description, is it adding to the mood, or slowing the scene down?

Your welcome. Thank you for providing something interesting to read. It's really fun when it's something bite sized! :heart:️

punkarsenic
Jun '19

its a pretty tense scene, but youve got a lot of long sentences. if you chop up a paragraph into short sentences, it can create a feeling of tension for the reader. or you can use lots of long sentences, and then throw in a short sentence to create emphasis. por ejemplo:

"she ran. ground slick, losing grip beneath her feet. keep running. the sky was dark and brooding, knotting and growling like a stomach, and the air was thick. she fell. mud smeared across her face, and as she pulled herself back up the sky broke. rain tumbled, drenching the dark world. and then - there he was."

mixing up short and long sentences makes the quick actions feel quick, and starting with short sentences sets up tension.

IndigoShirtProd
Jun '19
beta1042

Believe me when I say that I do that all the time during my first drafts. It's a matter of think one thing sounds better in past tense and another thing sounds better in present tense. I do my best to catch them before showing my writing to other people.

In all honesty, that's kind of the feeling I was going with this scene. While I do hope for readers to feel some intensity and anxiety, a detachment from the master is also the point. A small spoiler is that the master is never named throughout the whole story. This starting bit is more about showing the inciting incident of the story rather than having the reader connect to the master.

That information isn't particularly important at that point in the story and I'm not sure if I should mention it or not.

Those windows become relevant later. Actually, the whole hallway does.

Thanks for taking the time to read and rewrite my story. You brought up some valid points about the writing and some good questions too.

beta1042
Jun '19
IndigoShirtProd

yeah, its a bit weird coming in for two paragraphs with no context, so I guess many of my edits were adding context that may not apply if the paragraphs are not stand alone.

and bless you for checking tenses.

SynCypher
Jun '19

Salutations! Well I checked out your paragraph and some of the feedback you received so far and I figured I'd expound on a few things.

To start, I noticed that while Passive Voice was addressed, I wanted to expand on some of the examples so that, when you're in your editing process it'll be easier to see when it happens. Passive Voice comes out in a lot of ways, the first is use of adverbs (-ly words). Adverbs DO have a place but often they just become extra words that are unnecessary or simplify a description or a scene to the point that the reader is not as invested, and can drop you out of Active Voice which is where you feel most of the action. I'll make an example using your text to show you how this happens.

Original: With pipe planted firmly in the corner of his mouth and newspaper crinkled in hand, the master of the Rosenthal Estate briskly walked the corridors of his home. Noises heard from the hollow walls surrounding his study spooked him into returning to his bedroom, but unfortunately, the noises followed him.

Example: With pipe clutched in his teeth and newspaper crinkled in hand, the master of the Rosenthal Estate walked the corridors in brisk anxiety. Noises trailed him from the hollow walls of his study, tingling up his spine spurring his legs to a jog.

Unnecessary words clutter up your narrative and often times, words ending in -ly are extra. They also do something else: They slow down narrative flow. This means that it takes longer to say "he walked down the hall" if it becomes "He slyly shambled down the dimly lit hallway" and descriptions, though important, don't need to be overly embellished so as to keep your pace punchy. This then wont: A. Break the reader's suspension of disbelief and B. Feel like they're jogging in place narrative wise. So while it's IS very important to set the scene, the details need to do that plus keep the story moving.

There are other words that can cause you to suffer from Passive Voice and a few that you do have in your paragraph (and some of the hardest ones to catch before the editing process) are: was, seemed, but, had, of, and were. The reason why this is, is because everything becomes distant again with the overuse of "was" in one of your best descriptive moments (the oncoming storm). If you keep saying "-it was cold outside. It was dark, it was rainy, it was eerie." Pretty soon not only is your narrative feeling distant again, you have the problem of the reader noticing how many times you use it. You also run the risk of telling instead of showing. Using longer, more complex sentences can fix this problem and using different words or sentence order can put you right as rain (no pun intended, I swear!). I'll make an example so you can see what I mean for this one as well!

Original:The sky was dark; the moon was new and invisible. The clouds were heavy, but it was not storming. . . yet.

Edited: The low hanging clouds rumbled neath a new moon threatening rain.

In one sentence I was able to say the same thing that you did, and use more descriptive language that also sets a tone using these words: rumbled and threatening. I was also able to make the description of clouds underneath a full moon so the image comes to mind as well as involve the storm that was yet to come. Taking out unnecessary words unclutters the narrative and makes it flow better for a reader. It also keeps the reader in the action with the narrative, instead of distancing them from it. Remember, it's not about quantity of words, it's about quality and arrangement. Now, to this end I'll address the other words which can be qualified as filter words. Particularly: seemed, only and we'll include "were" down here.

These are not terrible words, mind you, but you have to take care not to accidentally overuse them or you'll end up in Passive Voice territory again. If you use "were" too much, you suffer the same trouble as using "was" too much: you distance the reader from the action. (Only also falls into this category) Now, that's not to say you can never use was or were. It's to make you aware of how they can negatively impact a manuscript if overly applied. Just take care to re-check sentences and decide if the word is necessary or, if you take the word out, how could you re-structure the sentence without it's use, and would it still make sense. These are things to consider when editing so you get a crisp flowing narrative. Seemed can also become a filter word that is used in lieu of better description and I'll make an example so you can see what I mean.

Original: The other end of the hall seemed an eternity away, especially now that the noises had stopped from behind the walls, making the master all the more nervous.

Example: The disturbed walls stilled, the end of the hall an eternity away. The master gnawed his pipe bit, for though he could see his windows shudder against the wind, not a sound echoed through the corridor.

Now I know I did change a lot with this one, but I'll explain. First I did get rid of "seemed", and decided instead to re-order the sentence into one that included sensory information (or in The Master's case, lack thereof) so that the audience could feel the scene. I also replaced "making the master all the more nervous". The reason I did this, was due to "Show don't Tell" which, in this case, I showed by having him gnaw on his pipe. People nervously chew on things all the time and by using this form of expression, you show the audience a personal quirk of your character AND that he's nervous, which (if you're making a whodunnit or an investigative piece) can be useful knowledge to include, if it turns out he also chewed pens and you find a chewed one later in some suspicious guy's office. (Of course I'm not saying use that bit exactly but, little details like this can work great in regards to setup)

With regards to the last three words I haven't addressed: had, of, but. These guys are tricky because you need them a lot but they can also slow you down. Particularly "Had" among these three. They can slow down your narrative, become repetitive, and the worst part is it's really hard to catch! But now that you're onto them, you'll see them every time. Though there will be times when they are useful, if you feel you're seeing too many instances of these three words you might rework your sentence and see how it feels (keeping Active Voice in mind). Now, with Active Voice in mind, I'll edit the last bit of your paragraph so you can see how what I've discussed here combines.

Original: He quickened his pace but only made it halfway down the hall before a lightning bolt flashed outside and he saw the shadow of his murderer. He reached for the double barrel shotgun that hung between the only two rooms in this hall, but it was too late. The master’s screams of agony were upstaged by the thunder claps that broke forth from the heavy clouds. Rain began pouring down like blood from the master’s arteries and the calm before the storm had ended.

Edited: At the first clap of thunder and flash of lightning he jolted down the hall, sighting the mounted double-barreled shotgun. His hands were upon the butt of the gun when the lightning flashed again, another shadow joined his against the wall. The master’s agonized shrieks swallowed by the roar of thunder; a slow patter of rain muffled the murderer's footsteps, followed by a downpour that couldn't cleanse the blood.

In this instance I wanted to keep the scene in motion. This pace also does another thing: it adds intensity for the Master and his killer. The killer can see him going for the gun, the Master does know he's being pursued but doesn't know from where, the killer has to be quick and take the Master down before he turns the tide on his assailant. Having them meet at the moment the Master gets his hand on the gun, could speak to the kind of killer that we're dealing with.

The shadow appears a second before the Master is killed, what skill allowed this person to travel between shafts of light and darkness deft enough to kill their target in bad weather conditions, with a weapon on the field, and in poor lighting? You can use this scene to build a profile of the killer simply by how you portray the action and you don't have to add extra details or paragraphs describing killer motive, you can just use the paragraph itself.

Phew okay, that's a lot. Normally I give this long form of crit for whole posts or novel sections but, I figured since you were just getting started, these tips could be handy when you enter your editing process. Don't worry! Every story in the history of writing has needed editing and sometimes well into fifth drafts! I'd actually be interested in seeing what you've got, because I love whodunnits, supernatural or otherwise, solving crimes, getting to the bottom of mysteries, the works. I can tell from reading what you posted so far that you have your own narrative voice and I've no doubt you'll make that come through and create something fascinating. It'll be a fun ride!

storytimebiondi
Jun '19

I won't go into gross detail (hopefully), but here's some of my thoughts:

It seems that people have already caught onto two aspects of your writing that could be improved: shorter, more direct sentences, and a stronger opening line.

Your opening should be punchy. It should grab off the bat. So far as I can tell, the fact that the master smokes pipe and has a newspaper in his hand are not super important to the action happening in the moment.

It may be better to open with the noises in the wall, or better yet, him running from his murderer.

For the second point, the shortened sentences:
It's easy to think that long sentences equals good prose. Not so. You best sentences in that paragraph, as @beta1042 has already pointed out are about weather (" The sky was dark; the moon was new and invisible. The clouds were heavy, but it was not storming. . . yet. ") It's because these sentences lack any superfluous descriptors and get right to the point.
My best advice (and the advice of many other writers before me) is to cut your adjectives, and your adjectival phrases.

Gigantic floor-to-ceiling windows gave whomever peered out of them a clear, unobstructed view of a spacious yard, unless the burgundy drapes hung in front of them.

Can be reduced to: "Large windows, curtained in burgundy, gave a clear view of the yard."

In essence, what I'm describing here, will change your pacing. Having long adjectival sentences slows down the moment. Short sentences speeds it up.
Remember, the action in this scene is escaping a mystic murderer. It should be fast. Highlighting the speed at which the master is trying to escape.
Cut anything that is irrelevant to the action, and cut any words that slow your sentences down.

Hope that helps~