Just found out the space is still there with the review so what's the use in hiding the details lol
I actually liked your description. It’s beautiful, it flows nicely and saying ‘Kaito was no different’ gives it a layer of realism. It establishes the stakes wonderfully, especially with the price of heroism and desperation and delusion. I’m definitely a fan. However, I did find it a bit wordy, so to take it to the next level, I’d cut out anything that absolutely wasn’t necessary and blend together what I could.
Otherwise, I’m sold, haha. Here’s my take on it:
“To become a ‘hero of legend’ was the dream of every child in Hanakawa but Kaito was no different.
The vow of protecting your loved ones comes easily, yet the price of heroism is riddled with sacrifice, whether your blood or theirs. In a world riddled with corruption, can Kaito push forward and realize his dream or will he fall to desperation and delusion?”
The opening line has a lot to work with. It’s great starting out, but it could be even better and feel a lot more immediate.
“Every child in Hanakawa once wished to become a hero of legend; I was no different.”
Just saying ‘I was no different’ really gives further implication and plants that seed of ‘What changes?’ without having to add ‘at one time’. I say keep the hook short because it’s the hook. If you put too much bait on the hook, some of it is going to fall off into the murky depths below.
Snipe any excessive words and whatnot that aren’t needed. While I understand wanting a pretty prose, sacrifice those unnecessary sentences ruthlessly no matter what.
I love the second passage: “Or so the story was told” lets us see into the main character’s mind and through it. That’s awesome and solidifies that we’re not just reading an ‘I, me, so and so’ story, but through the lens of an actual person. Even though it was small, that kind of thing goes a long way and I applaud you for that!
The introduction was fantastic, incredibly well done! It felt so much like an epic movie or series and brought up some fantastic points we can even apply to the real world around us. It buckles us up for the adventure ahead properly! The formatting too is creative.
‘An omen of rippling tides grew across the lakefront, accompanying them was a single message that entered the minds of all within Hanakawa as bolts of crimson energy descended into the forest’
It’s very clear, but it feels a bit too flowery. George Orwell once said, “Never use a long word where a short one will do.” If you can. Always cut it out.
While there’s nothing wrong with being eloquent, if you overdo it, it can create miscommunications between you and your reader by making the message so much less accessible and harder to read, especially for people who aren’t good with English or it can make you sound too pretentious and not in a good way. This is something I’ve had a bad history with, haha.
So make sure you ask yourself how readable the sentence is for people whose English is of different skill levels. Cut out any of those big words unless they’re absolutely needed to get a point across. I’d rework this passage to:
“Crimson bolts of energy descended into the forest. Tides rippled across the lakefront, carrying a message that entered the minds of Hanakawa’s citizens.”
I put the first sentence before the tides because it feels a bit jarring to put it afterward. I love your use of different words to set the mood, ‘Raced’, ‘approached’, ‘bursting’ especially and ‘caught’. It sets up a fantastic scene and gets a mood across very well. Frantic, chaotic and quick! Great job! Another thing I’d also do to spice up descriptions is use the five senses to my advantage.
The stats were done nicely! Formatting and all, it flows very naturally with the story and really elevates it! I’m very impressed with how well it fits in!
Your descriptions are also great and easy to imagine, feels like you took a camera and pointed it toward exactly what you wanted us to see and that’s not an easy thing to do! It’s very captivating. While some parts are explained, it doesn’t hinder the story and it keeps moving while still keeping the urgent feel going. I say it’s done impeccably.
The part where he explains his background does feel a bit jarring in the middle of combat, maybe right after he kills the golumns or after the combat?
Your world-building really shone! The chemistry between all the characters felt real and memorable. The dialogue was also cute and enough to get anyone hooked! The first chapter was very well done, but just a bit too wordy, like using ‘happily slapped his back’ while the lighthearted mood was readable without saying the word!
One of the hardest things I had to realize was that most things my reader would interpret without me having to say it even though I felt like I had to say it, but keeping your prose concise is more important and elevates it no matter what.
Loved the training scene between the main character and his dad, that was sweet. Overall, you succeeded in making every member of the family feel memorable and distinguished.
That was amazing! You carried the plot so well and you’re setting everything up perfectly! I see myself coming back to this one, it was great! I got a jest of the characters and their world which felt very colorful. Keep writing! Left impressed with this one! Thanks for introducing me to your work!
