“Meteors falling from the sky signal more than just celestial beauty—they bring nightmarish towers swarming with demonic creatures. For Ryuujin Takahashi, who lost his only family to these dungeons, he discovers he has a rare power to fight back and search for clues to reunite with his family. Recruited by the elusive Celestial Hunters, Ryuujin joins a dynamic team of elite warriors, each with unique skills and their own connection to the mysterious dungeons.
As Ryuujin searches and battles through these treacherous dungeons, he uncovers a terrifying prophecy: the meteor showers are the prelude to a cosmic invasion by malevolent celestial entities. Racing against time, he and his team must navigate deadly traps, decipher ancient puzzles, and confront powerful demons to prevent the apocalypse.
With adrenaline-pumping action, thrilling battles, and jaw-dropping twists, Ryuujin’s journey to a hunter is a rollercoaster ride of epic proportions. Will he and his team save Tokyo from the dark stars or become the next victims of the cosmic chaos?”
Okay, this is pretty wordy. My rule of thumb is to keep is as short and straight-to-the point as possible. So for instance, imagine you’re a farmer at a farmer’s market. Other farmers are all around you selling their own goods and you see words like “Fresh” and “Home-grown” being thrown around on cardboard signs taped to their booths as you make your way to yours. Intimidating, isn’t it?
So you set up. Before the market opens to the public, you have cardboard signs and a couple markers. All you have to advertise your stock is language. Imagine you write:
“Look at this succulent gourd, it has a smooth, short curve which bends its neck into a swan-like curve and on the tip its stem looks like a beak. It is creamy, white in color and if you touch it, its soft, as if god covered it in a blanket of velvet and welded it onto its skin. The inside is better than the outside too! Its flavor will blow your mind! Come and try my gourds today, fresh, home-grown and family owned, forever guaranteed!”
Under the sweltering sun with a whole market of farmers surrounding you as well as all that noise (The crowd talking, the people in the booth beside you playing live, traditional music and distant ongoing traffic) that makes it hard to focus, what’s going to make someone stop, read all that instead of moving on to the next booth?
You’ve got a great concept on your hands! Your idea sounds thrilling. But no matter how good what you’ve got is, if the description, the advertisement for people to invest their time into your product isn’t good enough, then it won’t shine through the millions upon millions of other works out there. What I’m trying to say is that the description means more than it might seem.
So first off, you tell us the novel in the description. Some, if not most of that, needs to be saved for in the novel itself. If you say everything here, why should anyone go read it? I suggest you should shorten it. Drastically.
“Every meteor shower brings dungeons swarming with demonic creatures, swallowing any warrior who dares to enter. After losing his parents to the same fate, Ryuujin Takahashi joins a group of warriors when given the chance to fight back. Through ancient puzzles, powerful demons and deadly traps, Ryuujin discovers a dark prophecy and finds himself in a race against time to save the world.”
Before you continue this comment, I want you to compare the description with my suggestion and pin what exactly it was I changed before continuing this comment.
Your choice in wording for the description was nothing short of amazing, ‘a race against time’, ‘swarming with demons’, etc, but no matter how good it sounds I always have it in mind that anything that CAN be cut SHOULD be cut. If you can show it in the novel and it isn’t important enough for the description, cut it. My descriptions used to be overly wordy myself.
I thoroughly enjoyed your novel. Hell, I actually subscribed I liked it that much and I’m invested. Your plot was captivated and the way you kept the inciting incident straight the to point was wonderful. It wasn’t over-extended or too little, it was just right, not too over-dramatic yet his grief shone. You executed that wonderfully, give yourself a pat on the back.
Your characters were stand-outs, each one you introduced. Each felt distinguished, they were interesting. Rika was adorable! This was boosted by their interactions which were fun to read. Your character chemistry is great! Give yourself… another… pat on the back! That was excellent!
You also gave a nod to Ancient Egyptian culture and as an ex history buff who read thoroughly about that I enjoyed it, it felt nostalgic. It also stood out to me a lot because you portrayed Seth in a somewhat sympathetic light which (deservedly so) I don’t seen in many places. But you did it well, it was really good and I want to see more from you. I’m interested in your lore.
As captivating as your plot was, I did notice a couple plot holes that confused me and sent me back for a couple rereads. The first was that Rika was taken by the temple and we skip ten years and then we continue with the other set of characters who find Ryu right after? It didn’t make a lot of sense to me. Is there something I’ve missed?
Next off, your description didn’t, so far from what I’ve seen, match the events of the story. With descriptions, it’s important not to reveal any twists because that spoils what you’ve got coming down the road. So I suggest you replace him losing his parents with Rika.
Your descriptions were also plain. To give your story more life and make it more than a novel, an experience, you should suck the reader in and make them see what you’re seeing or at least make them able to see it boldly, colorfully, not just a basic image. If you can’t see it through a camera, I say you should rework it.
Before we dive into that, you mention one of your characters is tall specifically even though she’s Asian descent! I’m from an (East) Asian background and most my family over there is tall! I’m talking over 6’0 feet and such or at least climbing up to there.
Anyway, here’s a couple examples.
Instead of just saying how it was ‘a few stories high’ and whatnot, I want you to step into the eyes of Ryu, look up at that tower and imagine it. After you finish, continue my comment.
“The tower spiraled into the sky until its dark grey color meshed into the dusky sky. Every hair on his body pricked. It felt as if every god was over his shoulder, telling him to run, sending an icy chill seeping down his spine, but he stood firm though his legs grew shaky.”
Instead, I describe the sensation he feels and focus more on that sense not much needs to be said about the tower to give the reader a good image. But going off you saying it was ‘overpowering’, he can barely stand. If you want to take it further, have him lose breath. Use body language to your advantage! You want your readers to experience what he’s feeling, to feel it, not just to read it.
“His Japanese was quick as a native with a flavor of British. He looked up—a man, who Ryu best guessed was somewhere in his twenties, stared back at him. His polo shirt reminded Ryu of rich people on golf courses as shown in the movies, it was tucked into his wrinkle-free cacky slacks. His slicked hair was color of cooked corn and eyes ocean water, deep, murky, mysterious.
Across from him, a man lounged with a cigarette billowing smoke from between his fingers. His leather suit stretched across his body which was muscled as if he was some sort of street-brawler.”
The British guy’s wearing a suit but please forgive me for describing him in something different lol. What is Ryu looking at? How does he interpret it? To add some flavor to the descriptions too and make them more memorable, here’s what I did: (Show your characters personalities through their descriptions!)
His polo shirt being tucked into his pants implies he’s neat. Saying it reminded him of a rich person from the movies on a golf course gives a pretty elite image depending on your background and almost ‘too’ cartoonishly perfect. Saying ‘cooked corn’ gives an unlikely but memorable comparison, but still the image I want the reader to see.
So what does Ryu notice? What does he pick up from it?
“Ryu drew back, raising an eyebrow while his gaze ping-ponged from one to the other.”
In my suggestion, my aim is to make it feel like he’s recalling all of this from memory so we see is as opposed to just reading it. Avoid emotion words, which can dim the experience! Keep it active! Think about it as a memoir, kind of, haha!
That’s about it. Thanks for introducing me to your work, can’t wait to see what more you’ve got in store! I’m excited for the next installments overall. You’ve earned a new subscriber too! Happy writing!
