Feb 2021
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Feb 2021
Feb 2021
aarujarv
Feb '21

Hello there!

Although I am a recent addition to Tapas, I have worked on my epic fantasy book for close to 8 years now. During that time I have done perhaps 3-4 major rewrites and countless smaller fixes. But I would still like some fresh feedback on my story.

And one thing I haven't gotten around to improving is my blurb - there have been comments that it's kind of long, but it's sort of OK because I am writing epic fantasy and short blurbs are impossible to achieve in that genre.

If you'd be interested in checking out my story, in exchange, I can check out yours. I am confident that I have enough experience of my own that I am able to give constructive criticism.

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    Feb '21

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DasIstWunderblyat
Feb '21
4

I think the shorter blurb notion comes from how it would cut short in the preview link you share around.

Suggestion is you condense your blurb to its catchiest part (just some sentences or a paragraph) so it is short enough to be shown in your preview link, then add separator and show your longer full blurb below (which will not be shown in link preview). The shorter blurb draws attention in shared link, and the long one below will give people a clear image when they decided to click. I have seen premium series has two kind of blurbs like this.

I think it is the culture of Tapas, but writers here tend to shorten their blurbs.

That aside, I do really think your blurb can be condensed and made more interesting. It is a nicely worded and thorough blurb, you also mentioned your inspiration which makes familiar readers have easy time to relate. However, I do not know if I am just stupid (sorry ESL, I no spik Inglish) or I cannot get a clear view of what it is about by paragraph two, while paragraph three is not helping. I just get that land goes brr, almighty prince appear, scoundrel, hello I am king, refugee, struggle of power, then things goes kinda okay, but. . . Oh no! Things are more complex than it is appear! Hee hee read to find out.

It is to me more like an explanation of world history or events prior to the actual story people would post in their prologue, not what the actual story is going to be about (sorry if it is, but that would be a synopsis, right?). Maybe you can shorten the world history into relevant bits (like "Struggle of power by prince, scoundrel, king, and refugee to save the land ended up pretty okay, or is it?") and save it for the actual story

Another is, how about you expand the urgency and focus on what happened afterwards? What would happen and why should we care if there is a more complex event at play? How will it take place? Will the prince get a new unicorn? Will the land be ravaged by orcs? Will a pink-haired princess transferred from another world called Korea marry the scoundrel?

I think the purpose of blurb are to give insight, entice, and make reader care about the story. If reader is at loss and cannot form an expectation, I do think the blurb is better be improved.

This is just my opinion, and I am no expert myself. Sorry if I make a mistake or offend you.

Also I don't meant this for feedback exchange. I am not offering one, just commenting on your words regarding the blurb

domisotto
Feb '21

What you can do is to put the log line first, then the rest of your bulb. No matter how epic your book is, it still has the core, the main selling point that can be summarized in one or two sentences.

Yeah, it's not an easy task, but you know your book inside out, you know what's so great about it and why you wanted to write it in the first place, so distill it in the log line and put it out there for everyone to see and WANT to read it.

An_Alias
Feb '21

Hello! Just building off of what other have already mentioned since I also got lost in the blurb:

• The focus of your blurb should mirror the focus of your story. If the plot is more protagonist vs world/society, then lean into more of the core world lore that is going to be the focus of the problem.
• If the plot is more characters vs characters then lean into the tension between them.
• Since the blurb is sort of out of context from the rest of the novel (for the reader it should be more of a hook than a summary), don’t focus on world building in it. I personally dont like reading a bunch of dense world building in general, and if its the first thing I see about a novel I tend to not read further.
• Keep it focused. The blurb should give the reader a basic/rough idea of what the plot/main struggle is about. After reading your blurb all I really know is that this society is essentially bored/stagnant.

domisotto
Feb '21
1

I just wanted to show the difference between the Garrdenss of the Moon blurb and yours (since it's your comp):

Gardens of the Moon

The Malazan Empire simmers with discontent, bled dry by interminable warfare, bitter infighting and bloody confrontations. Even the imperial legions, long inured to the bloodshed, yearn for some respite. Yet Empress Laseen's rule remains absolute, enforced by her dread Claw assassins.

For Sergeant Whiskeyjack and his squad of Bridgeburners, and for Tattersail, surviving cadre mage of the Second Legion, the aftermath of the siege of Pale should have been a time to mourn the many dead. But Darujhistan, last of the Free Cities of Genabackis, yet holds out. It is to this ancient citadel that Laseen turns her predatory gaze.

However, it would appear that the Empire is not alone in this great game. Sinister, shadowbound forces are gathering as the gods themselves prepare to play their hand . . .

While this blurb is long-winded, and is overloaded with the unnecessary names, it manages to create some sense of urgency. The book would not have been read on-line based on that blurb though, imho. On-line is cutthroat.

But if we, perhaps, can inject some energy into yours, by deleting the fiiller, it could get closer, while sticking to the style.

Suggested example:

A dreary age has lasted far too long.

The prince of the Eternal Empire of Tavran is desperate to reclaim the legacy of his predecessors. He wants his vain fight to rekindle the hearts and make his subjects believe that he holds the key to the New Golden Age. But if he is to usher the new era, he must first let go of his pride and confront the sinister threat rising in the Imperial Capital.

An_Alias
Feb '21

I read up until chapter 4. Your writing is solid except for normal minor spelling/grammar flubs. I only ended up with a couple of notes.

  • No prologue! Jumping right in. Fantastic. Your blurb had me worried that there would be a hefty one.
  • The word retarded feels out of place for the setting. Almost any synonym would fit better in my opinion.
  • Im not sure if the city they are walking through is supposed to be busy or not.
  • Use a dash (-) when speech is cut off, not an ellipses (...). Ellipses typically mean there is a delay or long pause.
  • The intro (ch1) is solid. The main interest is finding out about what exactly “the flow” is as a magic system as well as how this heist will go.
  • I like the first two characters that we are introduced to. I really like that their flaws are present right away, it makes them more appealing and relatable.
  • I like the chapter lengths. They might be a bit long for casual readers, but if you’re going for novel format they’re fine.
  • You could probably break some of your scenery descriptions down into smaller sentences (the cliff description). The overall content of the descriptions is good though!

Were you looking for feedback on anything specific?