4 / 5
Oct 2022

Hello all,

I would like to request some feedback on my first revised chapter for The Pirates Chronicle. I have been working on revising all chapters and this is my first one to publish. Any feedback that I get will be a great help for the future chapters and to get a better understanding of where there could be improvements. Whether its negative or positive everything will help me to better improve myself.

Some ponts of focus for me:

1) Showing vs telling
2) Too Much details vs too litte details
3) Flow of the action scenes

Anything else you would like to share that isn't part of the focus is welcomed as well.

Thank you in advance.

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    Oct '22
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    Nov '22
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Hi SL,

I'm instantly interested by the title, so I've taken a look - but I don't profess to be an expert!

I love the opening few words - Lightning crackles through the night sky. Such a vivid description and describing dramatic conditions like that really sets up the volatile situation.

Show vs Telling
Mostly really good, I think the main example that I picked out was "A panicked man rushes across the deck". Maybe describe his facial expression, and demonstrate his panicking by his words/actions?

Too much detail vs too little details
I thought this balance improved as the chapter went on. This might just be personal preference, but one or two of the clothing descriptions took me out of the story a little. It might be because I tend to try and only describe clothing at a time when it would be appropriate for the character to notice it, and in the lead up to battle wouldn't be it. But on the other hand, I totally get you want to make the characters stand out so the reader remembers who they are.
To me there doesn't seem any moments where there was too little detail, some of your descriptions later in the chapter are really good.

Flow of the action scenes
Again I liked these a lot. The only thing I'm not sure helps is that the POV seems to switch a few times which can be quite jarring. But it might be intentional, I'm not sure.

Overall I really enjoyed it, it's a strong opening especially as you've chosen to open the story with action. As I say I'm not an expert but those were some of my thoughts while reading. I'm sure the next chapters will be interesting!

Thank you for your feedback. I will take a look at a few of the examples that you listed to see how they could be improved. I do see your point with have some descriptions draw you out of the action as a sort of interruption. I never thought of that so bringing it to my attention really does help.

I'm glad that the details are there, I wanted to make sure I was able to paint the picture clearly without becoming redundent or too wordy. As for the switch of POV's it is intentional but some have pointed out that it might interrupt the flow so that is also something I'm keeping in mind. Thanks again for taking the time to read the chapter and give feedback! ^_^

No problem, happy to. I wondered whether the POV was intentional, it felt like it was and I can see why - when you're writing a battle scene at sea. I thought I'd mention it only because I have read stories where it's been unintentional and can be difficult to notice sometimes. I've actually done it several times unintentionally myself.

1 month later

closed Nov 4, '22

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