Oct 2024
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Oct 2024
Oct 2024
Tubacabra
Oct '24

With the AF Tourney closing in two days, I'm looking for one last review swap before the deadline. If you are interested, please reply with your link and how many chapters you want reviewed (max. 20) as well as how critical you want me to be on a scale of 1 to 10. (1 meaning "I'm a little snowflake" and 10 being "be as savage as possible").

As for me, I want reviews to be a 10, so I can figure out what I need to do better. Thanks in advance! :blush:

https://m.tapas.io/series/From-a-Ruined-World/info4

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    Oct '24

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    Oct '24
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miyaskya
Oct '24

Hi, thank you for the opportunity!

I'd be down for a review swap. How quickly do you want the review done (i.e. before the 24th) and do you want all 20 chapters reviewed?

I have 20 chapters and it would great if you could review all of them (I tend not to get much feedback on the later chapters). For the critical scale, it can be around 6.

Murat, the unremarkable second son of a tribal chieftain in the highlands, lives in the shadow of his renowned elder brother Temur. No one expects much of him and he spends most of his time daydreaming.

On the eve of Temur’s wedding, when Murat is returning from a trip to the lowlands with a gift he bought for his brother, he encounters a mysterious silver-haired stranger in the forest with a face similar to his own. His travel companion says that the stranger might be the Silver Sorcerer and is uncertain whether his appearance is a good or bad omen. Later that week, Murat’s life is completely upended when soldiers from a neighboring empire invade his village.

Will Murat survive and what role will the silver-haired stranger play in all of this?

Tubacabra
Oct '24

@miyaskya Hi! Thanks for responding! Reviewing all 20 chapters before the 24th would be ideal, but it's completely understandable if you don't feel comfortable with that time frame. I also tend not to get much feedback for the later chapters, so thank you for offering. I'll try to comment on your story while I read it, so that you know where I'm at for the review. Looking forward to some good advice! :blush:

miyaskya
Oct '24

@Tubacabra
Thanks! Feeling a bit under the weather today so I might not be able to finish all 20 chapters before the 24th, but your story is pretty interesting so far. I'll post the review here once I've completed all the chapters.

miyaskya
Oct '24

@Tubacabra

Hi, apologies for the delay. I read all 20 chapters and here are my thoughts.

Opening
I liked how the story started off with the imagery of a barren wasteland and a glowing summoning circle. It had a bit of an anime-ish feel to it, so I thought it was pretty cool. I also liked the ending line of Chapter 1. It feels dramatic because it is stated so matter-of-factly.

Worldbuilding
The worldbuilding in this story was quite immersive and I like how concepts and terms are just mentioned without too much explanation so the reader just figures it out along the way (i.e. how the characters talk about circles, like “fourth circle”, “eighth circle” - from the story’s context, it sounds like they are talking about power levels). Same thing with “mana voice”, “dragon tongue”, and “aura sight” - they’re just mentioned and the reader just takes it in as the story progresses.

The concept of contract spirits is quite intriguing, especially since a character can have multiple spirits and they are not necessarily always friendly (i.e. Othello Rigby’s contract spirit seems downright scary). It is also interesting that Mancer made a contract with Rixi before he was even born.

I also liked the chapter with the Council of Nobles meeting, since it is an organic way to introduce the politics of the story’s setting.

Descriptions
The descriptions in this story were quite vivid and I noticed that there was a lot of attention paid to how characters are dressed (i.e. the descriptions of Shana and her black dress at her adoption party). There were a couple of descriptive sentences that caught my attention. I liked the alliteration in the sentence describing Jyna’s “velvety vermillion hair” (from Ch 2 when Mancer is at Jyna’s grave). The other description that I liked was in Ch 3, when describing Shana (“Her chocolate colored eyes gleamed with intelligence”).

Characters
This story has an interesting cast of characters.

Mancer is supposed to be mentally an adult but is stuck in his six-year-old self’s body, which seems to influence his thought process and how he behaves towards others (although the 13 years of isolation after Jyna’s death probably also made him more socially awkward). It’s interesting that he is frustrated that his parents don’t fully listen to what he says, but at the same time, he is dismissive of Angelina (although she does act kind of spoiled) and isn’t communicating that well with Rixi, who has been with him since before birth.

One thing that I thought was surprising was that Angelina is supposed to be eight years old, but she curses in Chapter 7. The other detail that I thought was interesting was that Shana is running a daycare at age 12.

I thought Samuel Baltimore was the most complex character. On the one hand, he seems compassionate and not rigid towards Mancer (he apologizes once he realizes his initial misunderstanding). On the other hand, once he decides to adopt Shana, he thinks nothing of ordering the punishment of the people who spoke negatively of her in the past (I had to look up what gibbets were, yikes) and then even when Shana pleaded with him not to be too harsh, he only toned down their punishment to hanging them upside down by their toes until they apologized to her. And lastly, he was battling the lizardmen even though his general health was deteriorating. One thing I’m curious about is what his older sister Countess Fernigan is implying when she told him that “adopting Shana was a foolish move” and that “you’ve endangered the lives of nearly your entire family. Do you know what they’ll do once they find you?”

Although you asked for the review to be critical on a scale of 10, I don’t have that much negative feedback to give. Overall, the writing in this story was decent. I noticed one typo in Chapter 7 (one of the paragraphs has “intellect” misspelled as “intelect”).

If I was to give any suggestions for improvement, maybe quicken the pacing in some of the chapters so that the readers are taken on more of a roller-coaster ride (some of the chapters are well-paced, like the ones with the action scenes that end in cliffhangers). I’m not really that great at pacing my own stories, so I can’t give too much concrete advice on how to do that.

The other thing that I could suggest is to decide what kind of overall tone you want for the story. Right now, the story is giving me the vibe of a YA fantasy story (mainly due to the lighthearted bickering between the main characters), but then there are more mature action scenes (i.e. the details in Ch 19, where Samuel Baltimore is fighting the lizardmen). I wonder if the story might be more compelling if the overall tone was more serious (it’s up to you though, since it’s your story).

Anyway, it was an enjoyable read. Good luck with your story!

Tubacabra
Oct '24

Thank you so much for this review! I'll have to keep this in mind for the future. It really galls me about that typo in chapter 7. I can't fix it because doing so would invalidate my tournament entry! Argh! :tired_face:

Sorry I've been so slow about reviewing your story. With the tournament entries being judged right now, I'm too anxious to concentrate fully on anything, but I'll get it to you as soon as possible. Thank you again for your review. You made a lot of good points that I'll have to consider. :blush: