One day I was thinkin', and I says to myself I says 'Dave, what if you make power rangers, but add two heaping spoonfuls of Star Trek to it?'
'By Jove, Dave,' I says to myself back, 'I think you're on to something here! Let's make it happen!'
So now I'm writing about power rangers except I'm taking it 100% seriously and I don't know if I'm a genius or an idiot.
FOURTEENTH UPDATE! (Replies 145-167)
First, some announcements:
***I know I have like an average 2-month return time, but I assure you; double posting will not help get your work noticed any faster. All it does is lengthen the thread. âŞ(´â˝ď˝)
***Iâve gotten comfortable with coming back here every few weeks; I donât think I would mind doing this for the long haul. However, when I do get to the end here (which will probably happen eventually, since fewer and fewer people are actually asking for feedback ^^ ) I am gonna stop accepting submissions and close the thread. But maybe Iâll start another one.ÂŻ_(ă)_/ÂŻ
The Legacy of Combat @Jwebtoons
-I just barely know anything about Naruto, but Iâve already got a sinking feeling that youâre blatantly ripping off some of the characters. =/ Just FYI, if youâre interested, thereâs more dignity in writing straight-up fanfic than thinly-veiled plagiarism.
=In a word: amateurish. Iâm not really sure where to begin in fixing it, but here are some notes:
==Pronunciation keys can go at the end of the chapter, or in the description. You donât need them within the text (or possibly at all); give your readers some credit.
==Pick a format for your story and lean into it. Right now youâre mixing normal, grammatically correct prose descriptions with script-formatted dialogue, and itâs a little confusing for the eyes. At least capitalize the name tags so they stand outâŚ
Bane of the Cosmos @taylorotis26
-The art is really interestingâŚI like the basic shapes mixed with busy patterns and linework; you donât see that very often.
-The characterâs morals seem to be in conflictâŚthey want to expose âheroesâ for all the bad things they actually do, but they are willing to befriend someone whoâs literally a villain as long as it benefits them. Like, do they want the moral high ground or notâŚ? Unless the âvillainâ in question is only a villain by nameâŚ??
Iâm not saying this is a bad thing for the character, though. Hypocrisy can be interesting, as long as you remain aware of it.
=Itâs a little rough, but a beautiful comic; please donât ever lose your style~. The story seems like it could be interesting, too, although thereâs one crucial thing Iâd like to point out that I hope youâre aware of: so far, it feels like this character is more or less alone in their beliefs. And in context, that doesnât make sense.
If she were running a blog on her own, that would be one thing, but she is apparently employed as a reporter by some kind of news organization. News orgs want to sell stories to the public, so if she is writing stories that make heroes look bad, there has to be some decently-sized demographic out there that wants to read them.
Maybe theyâre just using her stories for hate-clicks, or to get negative attention in a tabloid-like wayâŚbut thatâs a morally gray issue all on its own, and at some point she would have to realize that the âtruthâ sheâs telling isnât being used for the ârightâ reasons.
ThirdlyâŚinjustice is rarely only noticed by one person, or a select âenlightenedâ few. The people who are most affected by this injusticeâ for example, the people constantly displaced from their homes the way MC has beenâ they and the people who know them, and the people who know those people; they should all form a subset of society thatâs aware of whatâs going on. Maybe theyâre viewed as a dismissible minority, or a counter-culture, but they should exist. In those circles, MC should be very popular and respected.
Red Dragon Part 1: Broken @ZakuratheFungi
=Itâs a nice story I guess, just not very stylistically interesting. With a little more energy in the narration, it could be really good.
One thing Iâll say is that you write very well in present tense; I didnât even realize you were using it until halfway through the first chapter.
Shot, an Anthology @blazeriddle
=A little over-dramatized, but good, I think. The characters seem really dynamic; they start to grow on you almost immediately, and thatâs pretty rare in amateur writing.
FIFTEENTH UPDATE! (Replies 167-186)
***Iâm back, babies~
Iâve been much too busy to be bored lately, but today I had some unexpected free time, so I decided to continue with the reacting.
KIRA: A Star Wars Story @tjjha
-âI sense no darkness in herâ DUDE she is an INFANT.
âŚThen again, deciding whether or not someone is âfatedâ to be evil when theyâre barely old enough to think and then making the rest of their life into a self-fulfilling prophecy based on that decision DOES kinda sound like a Jedi thing to do⌠^^;
=Knowing Star Wars (and thus, knowing how a story based on it and inspired by it will likely be written) it feels unfortunate that Iâve only read the first handful of pages. The story has clearly just barely begunâŚbut from what Iâve seen, itâs an okay comic. The backgrounds are a bit difficult to read, but I have a feeling theyâll get better with time. And the characters are drawn fairly well so far (that Sith guy was pretty cute~).
Geeking Around: The Webcomic @tjjha
=Itâs likeâŚthe definition of âhit or missâ. Most of the comics are not funny, and those that ARE funny are like, just barely. But the art isnât bad, and itâs engaging enough to make you want to give it just one more chance, over and over again. I was 8 episodes in before I realized I was just mired in lottery mentalityâŚanyway, this could be good, but at the moment it needs work.
Kingdom Come @ReneVergence
=I guess whatâs there is somewhat engaging, but the art just leaves a lot to be desired. Pretty much all the effects so far are done in that same hairy/grainy brushwork styleâŚlike, you say that black substance is supposed to resemble âinkâ, but it doesnât look like ink at all. Badly drawn smoke, perhapsâŚ
I just think, with a first couple of episodes where a lot of strange supernatural things are happening and you donât really know who the characters are or whatâs significant about any of it, you really need the visuals to be strong and to send the correct message. And I feel like thereâs a disconnect between what Iâm seeing and what Iâm supposed to be seeing, so to speak.
The Die is Cast @vec
-First, I gotta say I really like the drawing on the thumbnail (and the banner, tbh)
-Second, I gotta say I think the artstyle is very interesting. You donât see many artists combine such aggressive hatching with bold, actually visible outlines. And it looks like youâve got some light-hatching in there, too; I donât think Iâve ever seen that before.
=Unfortunately, I also gotta say that the writing so far is pretty lackluster. Plus, I had no idea what happened between Pages 2 and 3 at first; some kind of transitional paneling wouldâve been niceâŚ
Izzy! @tomcruznation
=âŚPretty dull, to be honest. Every joke is the same (he builds something dangerous or accidentally causes something dangerous to happen) and none of them are funny.
I think the drawings have some charm, and could fit well in a comic with good, entertaining writing. This ainât it, though.
I AM MEME!! @lillianl100204
-âSnip-bitsâ = âsnippetsâ??
=ThisâŚhonestly looks like a comic made by someone who is 7 years old. â_â;; Iâm not sure what I can even say about it, thereâs just not a whole lot there in terms of art OR dialogueâŚ
If you are 7 years old (or at least under 15?) I recommend you wait a few years before asking for any more critiques or anything (especially from strangers). Do some more work and study on your own; try to figure out what it is youâre going for and how to create something entertaining.
The Hidden Sage and the Star Chariot @CatVI
-Maybe I was just having an attention-deficit moment, but I found the first episode to be very denseâŚI had to take two breaks just to kinda-sorta finish it.
Although, that is the first novel chapter Iâve ever read that hit the word-count limit (that I know of) soâŚ
=Now that Iâve had some time to think about it, though, I think that might actually be something you want to fix? ^^; I mean, shoving the ENTIRE backstory of a character we barely know into whatâs supposed to be an intense losing battle scene that maybe lasts a couple minutes tops in the story itselfâŚ? Youâre taking all that tension and stretching it out and diluting it, all for the sake of fleshing out characters who donât even have names. In the very first chapter.
Itâs not an unacceptable method of storytelling, but I feel like thereâs probably a better wayâŚI mean, Iâd feel pretty cheated if I had to slog through all that only to later find out that these were just minor characters who would hardly matter throughout the rest of the novel. =/
Nevertheless, I like the writing itself. It has a good flow of ideas, and although most of the dialogue so far is just fantasy technobabble it actually sounds pleasant to the earâŚwhich is unfortunately rare. So good on you.
A lot of the similes/metaphors/descriptive language are worded strangely, though, and itâs a bit immersion-breaking, especially since pretty much everything sounds normal EXCEPT for those. Hopefully a good editor could help with that.
Oooff, this looks like an interesting challenge. I'll bite, so drop your reaction as well.
I have two stories for you.
Missing Pieces (Comic)
Important to point out I am the writer, and I collaborated with an artist to create the comic.
This started on Tapas this past Sunday, hopefully by the time you get to it at least one more Sunday will go by and there will be a second update as well (if you are interested in reading more).
Kingdom of the Red Rose (novel)
This is my novel. Not much to say here, let's see your reaction (even though I think I know what to expect here, but you never know)
Hope you at least enjoy reading them
Even though I know nobody is going to like this and the people who subbed to me are only there because I subbed them, still I wanna give this a try only for you to return and tell me how talentless I am, which I apparently already know, so here we go,
https://m.tapas.io/series/The-Prince-of-Claran-
https://m.tapas.io/series/Idiocity-yeah-thats-self-realization-
Hope you are still sane after reading this monstrosity. And if you have lost all your brain cells, I can introduce you to a doctor.
Thank you
Hello, I just updated the third tale on the series âDrear Tales.â This series include creepy little tales based on the stories and rumours I have dreamt or heard from others with my own spins. Some tales are even based on my own experiences.
https://tapas.io/series/Drear-Tales
Thanks. Hopefully, you will enjoy it.
Hey, hello, fellas. I just begins my new superhero webcomic, "Cheap Heroes", with gifs, colours and bilingual format (The tet changes from english to spanish when 7 seconds past and returns). If you are instested in my new project, enjoy it!
(I update 12-16 panels a week in two chaps, mondays and fridays)
SIXTEENTH UPDATE! (Replies 186-205)
***Yes, I'm still doing this. Merry Christmas, y'all~
Offshoot Petals @BarBarKetrab
-I...don't know what happened in Episode 2. Did they just rip off a false eyelash...?? The narration makes it sound as if they tried to self-harm or something, but I just can't figure out what the visuals are supposed to be showing.
-So bST doesn't understand jokes...but they have enough of a concept of humor to call Cinna's comment a 'quip', rather than just assuming they were trying to talk normally and simply correcting their use of 'anyone'....?
-Why would they have to pay bills for burning firewood...??
=Okay, so...it's clear that you can write. Like, your writing sounds good. It just doesn't make any sense. Jokes barely even get set up, let alone land; the characters' expositional comments are obviously contrived; and that part where you narrate what's funny about the MC's reaction, rather than actually letting them say something funny...yeesh. =/
Oddly enough, it's at the point where if your art were just a little better, you'd probably have a lot of fans...because if you're not really paying attention (and many readers don't) the dialogue is natural-sounding enough to feel like quality work. Even if it really isn't.
Trial Run @chestnutriceeee
-Wouldn't it be better for the person whistling to know what song they were whistling...rather than calling it a 'classic piano song'...? Plus, if you're going to use the music as part of your narration, it's better if the reader gets a chance to imagine that as part of what's happening, and they can't do that if they don't know what the piece is, or at least what the mood of the piece is.
=In a nutshell, it's pretty amateurish...but on the high-side of amateurish. You have a good flow of ideas, and you write dialogue well, but you're just lacking in technique. My biggest piece of advice is that you should write more personally, with a narrative voice that sounds like an actual person living through these events, and not like sarcastic narration over a teen's cartoon. ^^; Like, the story has such a violent edgy mood, but from the way the protagonist speaks I get the feeling that I'm not actually supposed to take this stuff seriously or think any of it is actually cool...because they're treating it all like a joke.
Crossing Our Paths @Edel_Li
-I dunno how I feel about the character intro part of the prologue...I think when other authors do this, they usually go one of two ways: either Option A, weaving the character intros almost imperceptibly into the action by simply having the characters take turns doing things, or Option B, using their narratorâs privilege to just describe the characters outright, like âsit tight while I tell you who these people are, and weâll get back to the plot in a minuteâ.
Your technique, on the other hand, seems to be kind of in the middleâŚ? The intros are definitely woven into the setting, if not the action, but theyâre also very blatantly obvious considering how detailed they are. Itâs just kinda...weird.
=Iâm just...bored. I do think itâs a good book; it will definitely entertain people who are looking for their fantasy fix, but thereâs not really anything unique about its setup or its characters so far.
Night Lights ~Lopier @limitlesssan
-This isnât a critique against you specifically, but I have to wonder why the âmafiaâ is so popular to write about all of a sudden? Especially among young amateurs...I donât want to gatekeep, but I feel like there just ARE some genres that you really canât write well without some broader life experience, which many amateurs simply do not have.
If you just want to write an action-adventure with guns, do that; the point of stories about mafia/yakuza/other gangs is to spotlight the pressures of loyalty, twisted morality, and needing power and influence as collateral just to retain some semblance of self. Itâs not supposed to be just another quirky setting...anyway, rant over.
-Although the story hasnât even started yet, Chapter 0 feels immersion-breaking simply by virtue of sounding so...immature. Like, it reads like the voice of a young child coming up to you to talk about their random little thoughts.
The novel description (which is actually fairly well written) seems to be describing a mysterious story with dark undertones, and then you open up the novel and immediately get hit with an awkwardly-worded ânarrator talks to youâ moment thatâs trying DESPERATELY to sound cute and informal. =/ One thing you donât want to start a novel with is an intro chapter that feels like a betrayal.
-And on that note, no, Iâm not interested in âLonan, and then Ashley and Raidenâ. I donât know who they are. ._.
Itâs one thing for a narrator to mention/talk about other characters as if the reader should know them; itâs quite another thing for a narrator to just blatantly tell the reader that they know and are eager to hear about other characters...like, thatâs just a falsehood. Itâs not true, and if it becomes true later on, the reader should get to decide that, not the author.
This can work if the reader is simply a stand-in for an audience that exists within the world of the story, but I see no indication of that here.
-âHigher criminal activity areaâ??? Are you kidding meâŚ? ಠ_ŕ˛
=Okay, in conclusion: this novel feels borderline disrespectful. The tone is just so wrong...youâre writing The Godfather as if itâs a cute schoolgirl anime-- but instead of being fun and clever, itâs just blindingly ignorant. Itâs as if crime and death and murder are just empty aesthetics, rather than real concepts that actually affect the story. You bring them up, and just toss them aside like âoh, that guy got shot lolâ âThis character said something creepy lmaoâ. Itâs just...why??
Whatâs worse, you actually decided to continue with the quirky ânarrator talks to youâ storytelling in Chapter 1 instead of working to establish any semblance of gravitas whatsoever. Again, why?? I donât understand why youâre using such a dark setting if youâre so completely unwilling to engage with that darkness, even ironically. It doesnât make ANY sense to me.
I really thought that the huge 7-month gap between Chapters 0 and 1 indicated some kind of overhaul, or at least maybe you realized that the story might be difficult to write with such a nonchalant tone and put in the effort to at least make it entertaining. But I donât see any of that. It just looks like my first impression (yâknow, the one that led to the rant) was correct, and that you donât actually have any interest in âmafiaâ as a concept outside of an excuse for your characters to casually talk about killing people.