Howdy, folks, howdy! Gather 'round, I guarantee y'all are going to want to hear. Don't be afraid, now. Hustle in a little nearer! That's right, see?
Now, I see some of you here today are lookin' a little peaky! No, don't be alarmed, 'cause I've got the curative fusion you need right here with me today!
Well let me tell you, see, I have a product here with me today that I personally guarantee will free your children from parasites, and cure your boredom while we're at it! Did I mention how beautiful you are, folks? See, look at yourselves, see how beautiful you are!
Imagine how much more beautiful you'd be if you kept all your own teeth?
WELL fortunately this here product will not only free your children from parasites, see, but it'll also make sure you keep all your own pearly whites! Yes, that's right, see, no more cavities! None of the toothrot! No need to see that quack you call a dentist around here! Y'all can keep those smiles for years until the smallpox kills you! Uh, I mean... I'll be back by then, with the cure for smallpox, don't you fret, see?
Take two of these and call me in the morning and I guarantee all your problems will suddenly seem inconsequential compared to these poor bastards' lives MAGICALLY DISAPPEAR!
Also your teeth will be amazing!
(Also this is literally the best thread in the history of all threads hahaha)