Will edit your blurbs (for free)

[surenlicious]

Well Jade Kingdoms is a novel, and I actually went from a big blurb, to a very short one. The novel is HUGE, I'm not even kidding. XD So, the big blurb is currently this:

[ JK big blurb ]

This is the tale of its Jade Princess Suren, born into a cycle of abuse manifesting itself as generational trauma which has plagued her family for eons. Molded by her surroundings and people, her own will and choices were subtracted from her at birth. As her mental strength falters with each passing day, Suren suddenly discovers something terrible amidst the shadows of the kingdom; a danger a mad prophet erased from history tried desperately to fight back against yet failed to do so.

The revelation causes Suren to slowly drag herself out of the earth she fell upon and walks with her dimmed light to find the fuel to set herself ablaze for the sake of her people. As Suren's journey unfolds, many of her kin she finds suffer from the same treatment in the Jade Kingdom culture and she realizes its not just a mere prophecy coming down to end her species.

The fight for everyone's well-being is at stake and its time for change.

I actually have a tiny website where I talk a bit more about Jade Kingdoms, the cast and some plot bunnies. Might that help?

Jade Kingdoms

And let me just leave my novel here too haha!

Jade Kingdoms | Tapas

[Sethstiel]

OH.MY.GOD!
That is good!!
Can I use that for my explanation?????

[Lemon_Aide]

Here's a lil blurb of a novel I'm working on ^ ^

---

Ruby has always wanted to lead a fulfilled life; landing a position in her dream job, marrying the love of her life, and constantly be surrounded by the company of loyal, loving friends.

But when David Marquis, the eccentric boss of the company she works under, comes into the picture, things take a drastic turn for the worse—or so she thought. Suddenly, she now risks everything to secure a lover's vows, fix her deteriorating friendship, and open up to inner introspection.

To exacerbate matters, she must manage all of this while juggling the care of an adopted son under a false pretense of marriage.

---

I checked out your work, and I absolutely adore your writing style! Looking forward to more to come!

[AwesomeSoFar]

I'm glad you think the first two were good. I'm not looking to expand them, though, so I'll keep them the way they are.
as for the third, the unlikely duo is supposed to be Caleb and his Angel like you thought, but I can see how that'd be confusing. I guess I should replace "unlikely" with a word that makes it more clear who we're talking about.
and for the last one, I guess it's worth expanding on since it's longer than the other stories, at about 6 pages. the surviving thing is me trying to incorporate the dilemma of "survival vs happiness" into the blurb, as it's in the themes of the story. like with the last sentence of that Goodbye, Rival blurb. but it's a bit of a complicated subject so its hard to sum it up in a catchy and interesting way haha

thanks for your feedback! I really appreciate it! it seems like the more complex my stories get the harder it becomes to write blurbs for them.

[alcoholandcaffeine]

Hey, everyone! Just wanted to let you know, since it's the Internet and we all expect instant replies haha, that I'll be making my way through all of your posts over the weekend Thank you for dropping by and please bear with me ️

[Skyscion]

Thanks for doing this!

Here's mine-

Fighting over the most ridiculous stuff, trying to escape punishments using all sorts of tricks, bemoaning the non-existent cafeteria or perhaps, the soaring price of the food there.

Arguing like mad with friends but then going back to them only, when loneliness sets in.

Skipping assemblies, cursing the march past, the freedom of the PE period and the 'official' bunking for school events.

The care of teachers, the craziness of friends, the feeling of first love and the endless notorious escapes...ah, those were the days, our cherished...school days!

[alcoholandcaffeine]

Cool!I just started writing my novel today!

Congratulations Could you please paste the content of the blurb as a post in this topic, for easier editing?

OH.MY.GOD!That is good!! Can I use that for my explanation?????

Haha, glad you liked it! Of course, go for it

thanks for your feedback! I really appreciate it! it seems like the more complex my stories get the harder it becomes to write blurbs for them.

Happy to help! And yes, that's always the dilemma, heh. As authors, we feel like everything we put into the story is iMpOrTaNt lol, so it's hard to pick and choose.

and for the last one, I guess it's worth expanding on since it's longer than the other stories, at about 6 pages. the surviving thing is me trying to incorporate the dilemma of "survival vs happiness" into the blurb, as it's in the themes of the story.

Maybe you could work those specific words in - survival vs happiness. Off the top of my head, something like...

Survival vs happiness is the name of the game as lively, hopeful Tara ends up stranded in a mind-bending alien realm. She must conquer its unknown dangers to survive...but will she be happy?

Wild improvisation lol. And I just realised I'm not entirely sure what you mean by survival vs happiness

[alcoholandcaffeine]

I'm very interested in how others see it. No need for much, Just want to know if it gathers any interest.

Haha, all right, then!

The A.I. won the war when it figured out how to hack the resistance’s bionic enhancements.

In a last ditch effort the ‘No Steel' project launched, with the hope of creating humans, strong enough to face a mech.

The project was never completed. Fearing the A.I. could learn the basics of genetics, all volunteers were launched into space.

Ok so this whole first part reads like an exposition. It's all a very interesting set-up, but I have a feeling this is either a previous book or some sort of backstory, and I can't tell yet what it is that I will be reading about.

Many years later, 'Fall's stasis casket lands on a distant world.

With nothing left, he lets go of the past and tries to survive on his new world.

But this second chance, might be a new chapter of the Mech War.

Here is where the story finally begins, and we only get 3 vague sentences about it. Is Fall the protagonist? What about this distant world? Ok so all the rest was his past, but if he needs to let go of it, why are we reading about it in the blurb? If the story is going to be about Fall on this new world, then I would like to know what his present/future conflict will be on there, rather than what's already happened and I won't be reading about. If that makes sense? Let me know if it doesn't

[alcoholandcaffeine]

This is super nice of you.️ I'm struggling with my blurb a bit.

Haha, thank you! Hope I can help

Chippo wakes up surrounded by an eternal mist. Not knowing how he got here or why he's all alone.

This is a good start! I would maybe connect the sentences with a comma, rather than a period, like this:

Chippo wakes up surrounded by an eternal mist, not knowing how he got here or why he's all alone.

Noticing all his ordered packages are coming from an unknown sender, he starts wondering is he really all alone?

This is where I get a bit confused. How do the ordered packages come into play? If he is in some place he doesn't know, how does he end up ordering packages? Or are they packages he'd ordered before getting isekai'd? Also, the sender is unknown, which doesn't add up with ordered - if Chippo had ordered those packages, then he would know who sent them. Do you think you could clarify that point in the blurb somehow?

[lumisullivan]

Here's mine

Akilah, a 17-year-old girl is broken when she finds the headless corpse of her childhood best friend Adara. Adara had been wrongfully accused of cheating on her soon-to-be husband, the King of their nation, a man who had been blinded by deceiving people. The perpetrators behind Adara’s wrongful death were many but none of them were exposed or held accountable for it.

Life is unfair - those are the first words uttered by Akilah after burying the headless corpse of her best friend, Adara. Desperate and on the brink of insanity she decides to make a deal with the devil in order to gain power and rewind back time. Will the deal workout in Akilah favor; will she be able to save Adara from the monsters that killed her or will history repeat itself?

[alcoholandcaffeine]

After a breakup, Lia Lin Ai got into an accident. Strangely, a cupid offers her a second at life, putting her soul into the body of a girl with a similar name. Without the memories of said girl, can Lin Ai live her life? What happens when her old connections come into the picture?

This is overall good as a blurb, it sets up the character and the story nicely. I do have some grammar and structure adjustments, though, and I will improvise a bit on some details, feel free to correct if I'm off the mark.

After a break-up, Lia Lin Ai got into a fatal car accident. Strangely, a cupid offers her a second chance at life, putting Lia Lin Ai's soul into the body of a girl with a similar name. Without the memories of said girl, can Lin Ai live her life? What happens when her old connections come into the picture?

History tend to repeat itself. In the magnificent palace schemes, blood sheds and betrayals are the norm. Li Yuan Emperor of Tang Dynasty, Empress Fang and Concubine Wu are in an entanglement. The battle for the position of Empress began. Two sons are born. One innocent ruined and the land turned chaotic. Will the three individuals choose the same choices? Will everything be good or once again blood is spilled?

Ok, so, this packs a lot of info, which is great, but I'm having some trouble following the structure. I'm going to try to re-write this in a way I think would be clearer:

Li Yuan, Emperor of Tang Dynasty, Empress Fang, and Concubine Wu are in an entanglement. Two sons are born - the battle for the position of Empress begins.

Bloodshed and betrayal are the norm at the imperial court, and history tends to repeat itself. With one innocent already ruined and the land turned chaotic, the palace schemes of the three individuals will dictate the fate of the Tang Dynasty.

Will they choose right or wrong?

[alcoholandcaffeine]

Saving the princess can get tiring, especially when you hate her. Welcome to a world where odd video game logic rules, everyone has superpowers, and the final boss is definitely up to something messed up...

This sounds very interesting, but I think for the genre you're writing in, quite generic. Your last sentence could potentially apply to most VR stories out there. So I need to know what is it about your protagonist or your story's conflict that should make choose this one, over all the others. Who is your protagonist? And what is their specific story?

[alcoholandcaffeine]

I have edited my blurbs a few times already. As it plays an important role as the first impression, it must be constantly improved. Thank you so much for doing this.

That's true! Hope I can help

Asura, a demon, infamous for his intimidating powers and cruel tactics is betrayed by his only friend on his journey to becoming the demon king. Reincarnated as a 16-year-old human with the purpose to crack an entrance exam which is supposedly the most difficult task in the universe, Asura has a second chance to prove his worth.

I like that you're introducing us to Asura right away, but that first sentence is a bit of a run-on. And if he's already 'infamous', then I can imagine his powers would be 'intimidating'. How about...

Asura, a demon infamous for his cruel tactics, is betrayed by his only friend on his journey to becoming the demon king.

Correcting his past mistakes, Asura has now decided to lead this life as a loner and not to trust anyone. Underneath the peaceful and simple life of the human world, he discovers the dark nature of humans, which is not very different from the demons.

I really like that second sentence! Hints at an intriguing exploration of human nature.

Even after being a very hard worker, Asura finds himself struggling with his studies. Using his demon tactics, he tackles the challenges that fall upon him and his classmates.

Join Asura on his journey and super relatable academic problems.

The ending here is great lol. But I would work a bit on sentence structure.

Asura struggles with his studies, despite all the hard work he's put in. So he resorts to his old demon tactics to tackle the challenges that fall upon him and his classmates.

[alcoholandcaffeine]

Well Jade Kingdoms is a novel, and I actually went from a big blurb, to a very short one. The novel is HUGE, I'm not even kidding. XD So, the big blurb is currently this:

Haha, all right! Well, if the novel is huge, then you definitely need a couple of paragraphs to give readers a taste of what they're getting into.

I don't think your big blurb is that long! It's just that it focuses too much on Suren's internal turmoil, and without knowing who she is, or what her world is, the reader is going to have a hard time relating to her or understanding what the novel's conflict is supposed to be.

Only when I re-read the blurb for a second time on your carrd, did I notice the mad prophet erased from history, which - as a reader who knows nothing about your story - is the most interesting detail at first glance. If you think about it, all protagonists and all worlds are tortured in some way, that's what generates conflict. So in your blurb you have to focus on that one spark in your story that makes it stand out from the usual fare in similar genres.

I'm going to attempt a re-write based on my understanding of your story so far, you are free to use it however you like, or ignore it completely haha:

Sorrowful princess Suren is growing fed up with seeing her people suffer under the old rule.

A dynastic thirst for power has ruined generations of royals, and the realm along with them. Before she loses herself completely, however, Suren makes a terrible discovery: a danger prophesied by a madman erased from history is now all too real.

Suren must find her strength to finish what the mad prophet had started. She must fight for the sake of her people. As she journeys through the Jade Kingdom, gathering allies, the princess realizes she is far from alone in her sorrow. The time has come for change and Suren will see to it that history remembers.

Hope that helps!

[Eliteone]

Thanks man. This was really helpful. 🤲

[alcoholandcaffeine]

Ruby has always wanted to lead a fulfilled life; landing a position in her dream job, marrying the love of her life, and constantly be surrounded by the company of loyal, loving friends.

It's nice to see what Ruby wants, because that sets it up to conflict with what she actually gets, but for a blurb, I think this could start better with where she is right now. Like..what is her status quo before whatever it is that sets off her journey? Because then when David Marquis comes into the picture, the reader doesn't know which picture that is.

To exacerbate matters, she must manage all of this while juggling the care of an adopted son under a false pretense of marriage.

That's a pretty wild finish, haha, but I don't understand very well how it ties in to the rest of Ruby's struggles. So if you could maybe tell me a bit more about the status quo she starts from, I could try to rearrange some stuff around, see if I can clear it all up.

I checked out your work, and I absolutely adore your writing style! Looking forward to more to come!

Aww, thank you soo much! That really means a lot I'm excited to share it with everyone on August 19th!

[alcoholandcaffeine]

Thanks man. This was really helpful. 🤲

Woohoo, happy to help!

[arxianfall]

Perfect! I was scared a little there since if it's uber shite I have to redo the first chapter. (synopsis is baked into the first chapter)

Backstory indeed. Already planned to be explored.

The final part, no matter how I looked at it I couldn't reveal more because it's heavily tied to the backstory and becomes a huge spoiler. Also the first part is just that. Surviving, meeting people finding a new home, discovering the planet.

Thank you for the patience and the time. This was the first feedback I ever got on synopsis.

[alcoholandcaffeine]

The final part, no matter how I looked at it I couldn't reveal more because it's heavily tied to the backstory and becomes a huge spoiler. Also the first part is just that. Surviving, meeting people finding a new home, discovering the planet.

Ah, I see! Maybe you can include just that - surviving, meeting people, finding a new home, discovering the planet. This is not immediately obvious in the current set up.

Thank you for the patience and the time. This was the first feedback I ever got on synopsis.

Happy to help! Thanks for dropping by

[alcoholandcaffeine]

Thanks for doing this!

No problem~

Fighting over the most ridiculous stuff, trying to escape punishments using all sorts of tricks, bemoaning the non-existent cafeteria or perhaps, the soaring price of the food there.

Arguing like mad with friends but then going back to them only, when loneliness sets in.

Skipping assemblies, cursing the march past, the freedom of the PE period and the 'official' bunking for school events.

The care of teachers, the craziness of friends, the feeling of first love and the endless notorious escapes...ah, those were the days, our cherished...school days!

Ok, so this is all a very interesting slice-of-life mosaic, though I do have to ask - is this for an anthology of school-related stories, or is there one protagonist in particular whose journey we're following? If it's the latter, then we need to see that person and focus on them in the blurb.