Apr 2021
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Apr 2021
Apr 2021
AdairRoblesUrrutia
Apr '21
1

Post Your Novel's 1st Paragraph and we can give each other feedback on them. :smiley:

PLEASE HELP ME DECIDE WHICH OF THESE STARTING PARAGRAPHS IS A BETTER HOOK.
BRIEF: DESCRIPTION: Two classmates with animosity go through their own stories of struggle and growth during middle school and high school, which parallel each other through the years. Then four years after high school, The victims of both of their past actions come back to haunt them when they are forced to be quarantined together at their former middle school for two weeks.

1ST PARAGRAPH VERSION 1:

To: Amycheng@gmail.com

Subject: (GO FUCK YOURSELF BITCH)

Dear Amy, I just wanted to tell you that I think you are the most vile, manipulating, lying, cruel, bitch I’ve ever met. What you and Hannah did was fucked up. I can’t believe how stupid I was for thinking that you were actually nice to me and were my friend. And that you actually liked hanging out with me. I thought you actually cared but I realized too late that you don’t give a shit about me and you were just pretending to be nice to me and pretending to be my friend just so you could make fun of me and laugh at me with your bitch friends. And you wanna know the worst part of it, you don’t even know. You kept bugging me asking if I liked Hannah and finally I said yes just to shut you up. But what I was gonna tell you before you went behind the wall to tell your friends was that “I like Hannah but not as much as I like you.” I thought you were smart, funny, cool to hang around with and very pretty. The more we hung out the more I started to like you. And it was all just bullshit and I fell for it. I wont make that mistake again good bye and go fuck yourself.

Adair looked over the email and hovered the mouse over the send icon contemplating if he should click send or not. He was still enraged at her thinking about it.

A COUPLE OF MONTHS EARLIER,

1ST PARAGRAPH VERSION 2:

Amy held Adair’s hand and brought him into the empty gymnasium. Then Amy brought him to the end of the wall that divided the two basketball courts.

“So do you like Hannah?” asked Amy.

“I’m not gonna tell you.” said Adair coyly.

“Come on, I won’t tell anyone it’ll be our secret.” said Amy. Adair nervously thought of what to do.

“So do you like her?” asked Amy. He looked down nervously contemplating what to say.

(Ok, fuck it, here goes.) thought Adair.

“Ok, I like her but-“ said Adair. Then he saw Amy start going around the side of the wall.

“Wait, you didn’t hear what I was going to say.” said Adair. Amy stopped at the end of the wall and looked back at him.

“What were you going to say?” asked Amy.

“What I was gonna say was...” said Adair.

“...I like Hannah but not as much as I like you. I really like you Amy. You are smart, funny and you were the first person who was nice to me when I first got here. And you’re just a really fun person to be around. There I said it. And I-” said Adair.

“-I like you too.” said Amy.

“Really?” said Adair.

“Yeah.” said Amy.

Then Adair started to lean in to kiss her and Amy leaned in also. He closed his eyes and they kissed each other while holding hands softly.

ADAIR ENDED HIS DAYDREAM AND FELT HIS HEART BEATING REALLY FAST.

Adair stood behind the wall inside the gym and waited for Amy to come around the wall to meet him so that he could tell her how he felt about her.

He tried to remember the sentences he just came up with a few seconds ago and memorize them so he could say it to her for real when she came back. He started whispering to himself quietly—

—“I was gonna tell you that ‘I like Hannah but I like you more,- no. But not as much as I like you. ‘I like Hannah but not as much as I like you.’ ‘I like Hannah but not as much as I like you.’ You’re smart, funny and you were the first one to- who was nice to me when I first got here. (Got it.) I really like you Amy. There I said it. And I wanna go out with you.” whispered Adair to himself.

Then he heard footsteps of someone walking over from around the wall.

A COUPLE OF MONTHS EARLIER,

Thank you for reading. Please let me know what you think about my writing style and how interested you are to keep reading this story on a scale from 1-10?

  • created

    Apr '21

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    Apr '21
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bulletcrucifixion
Apr '21

Like the first one better, It feels more mysterious and actually make me curious about what will happen after that email. I feel like the dialogue is giving a bit too much, but it's only my opinion. This overall sounds good.

Ordinaryaverageguy
Apr '21
  1. The 1st version looks like a wall of text. Not the Great Wall of China but still a bit of a hurdle.
  2. Don't know the characters, so "listening" to one person berate another didn't grab me. Partway into it, I was like, "You've got a problem, but not one I care about."
  3. The 2nd version is story-telling vs reading a rant. It also hints at aspects of the two characters. It teases about something going on that might be "slice of life" interesting & is more fun than the wall of anger.
AnimeKitty
Apr '21

Personally, I like the first one better, but I'm not a huge fan of the ranting going on. We don't know these characters yet, so it's hard to understand their issues. My friend did something similar to your first option with her opening, where it's a resignation letter that shows how pompous the MC is. I think you could try playing around more with your first chapter. While both of these here are good, they don't feel like the opening of the story. More like, they could be the second or third chapters. I think it would be cool if you could start out showing these characters together as friends, having fun and hanging out. Let us get a feel for them, then bring in the drama.

Here's mine.:blush: Would love your thoughts on it.

Their hearts were like bottles of paint on the shelf, waiting to be brought out to color their world in shades of emotion.

Crimson painted the sink. Bloody tissues scattered across the counter and around Kazimir’s bare feet. Nosebleeds had become a part of his life after he’d gotten addicted to cocaine.

Before returning to his room, he washed away the evidence. He scrubbed the sink until it sparkled and hid the bloody tissues under the piling garbage in the waste can. His secret was safe, but for how long?

He thought a change of scenery would help, but his addiction followed him like a traveling companion. Being separated from the root of his problem solved nothing.

AdairRoblesUrrutia
Apr '21

AnimeKitty I think you should make this sentence: "Crimson painted the sink. Bloody tissues scattered across the counter and around Kazimir’s bare feet. Nosebleeds had become a part of his life after he’d gotten addicted to cocaine." your first sentence.

It gets you right into the story, whereas I think "Their hearts were like bottles of paint on the shelf, waiting to be brought out to color their world in shades of emotion." kind confuses you because it starts with "Their" and then it goes to just Kazimir cleaning the sink by himself. Might be better to either introduce both characters before Kazimir goes into the bathroom or move your first sentence to after you introduce your second character. But it is definitely an intriguing start. :wink: