You have such a solid description! It’s not wordy, straight to the point and plants those intricate seeds of curiosity without telling you everything in the novel. I applaud you for that, I love it, especially how you kept it more detailed without saying too much. The only thing I’d rework is the length, but that’s just personal preference for me. Otherwise, rock on!
The idea of your opening line is excellent and resonates, it shows us a lot about your main character and their motives. But when writing, you always have to be picky about your sentences. Like when you’re cutting the rotted parts of vegetables off before you cook, you wouldn’t want those parts ending up in the pan to serve to your customers, would you?
Replace rotted parts with words, too many words.
“Whenever Caelan closed his eyes, he heard the sounds of dirt covering a coffin. The humid smell of dirt followed, invading his nostrils against his will. Weeks had passed, and he still hadn’t let it go.”
You plant great seeds of curiosity and open the floodgates with your beautifully heavy introduction, but in order to properly hook your readers, you’ve got to close them in the coffin before those extra words clog your prose and the reader’s eyes begin to flit over them until they’re skipping down a few paragraphs.
“Whenever he closed his eyes, Caelan heard dirt gushing over a coffin.”
Anyway, for the rest of the chapters I read, I was thoroughly amazed. You have some of the most vibrant characters I’ve ever seen. Sam felt so alive even though she wasn’t and it was so easy to imagine what she sounded like and everything. I’m amazed. Their relationship was shown to us perfectly and it was so easy to grow attached.
This is amplified by your excellent character chemistry! All of them feel so distinguished and individual, like they’re all separate human beings, like this was crazy realistic! Caelan’s, whose also super well done and in depth, just like all the other characters, interaction with Matt was sincere to the blob wanting his body back, which was hilarious. You did a wonderful job.
Even the blob was booming with personality! I’m living for it!
Caelan’s mental health was reflected beautifully through the state of his house and all the clues with no telling whatsoever, only showing. Sam’s letter hit so hard, like that was a gut-punch and the rest of the story was gut-wrenching, especially when he was blocking his relatives. The reveals were done exceptionally too and left me wanting to know everything.
The way you described crying was raw. Very raw. Masterful. No overuse of adjectives in the story whatsoever, but the scenery descriptions were lacking. I suggest asking yourself, ‘what is Caelan seeing right now and how is he seeing it?’ then, for instance, maybe due to his depression: ‘The snow was tinted grey’ or ‘Every screaming color was silenced by a color-sucking glaze’
But your descriptions of character action, like Matt’s pupils dilating, was excellent. It never felt stagnant. You did an amazing job! However, I did notice a couple places where an active voice was missing which felt off to me, like: “Stomach in knots”, for instance.
Your plot was nonstop flowing. Your prose is godly. I loved this thoroughly, what more can I say other than this was insanely well done? Thanks for introducing me to your work! I’m sticking around for sure! Every plot point was so, so good and touching and when he played her favorite game, so well done!
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