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Feb 15

Hello everyone. Sorry if I'm pestering.:sweat_smile:
I asked for people to review my novel Through Mortal Eyes and most people said it was good but everyone had issues with the first and second chapter because what was said in chapter 1 was repeated in chapter 2 again which through a lot of people off and most people said chapter is a better start to the story that chapter 1. So I decided to rewrite the two chapters again but I turned chapter 1 into a prologue and chapter 2 into chapter 1. So I need you guys help if my second attempt is better than the first or maybe third time's the charm.


Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaassssssseeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:grin::grin::grin::grin::grin::grin::grin::grin::grin::grin::grin::grin::pray::pray::pray::pray::pray::pray::pray::pray: Thank you
Happy Valentine's day

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    Feb 14
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    Feb 14
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I think it is much better than before.
I went through the last few chapters that I didn't get to read before and I have to say, they are good, but the dialogue leaves me wanting more on some parts. For example in chapter six when Justin comes back, Jack asked Eamon 'who is that?' and Eamon answers, 'do you know him?' It kind of pulled me back to reality. Also, because your descriptions are so good, I think that you rely on them too much in between dialogue. For example, I noticed that you explain Eamon's expression twice within the span of a page on chapter six. It's okay to let the dialogue stand on it's own.
Lastly, I noticed that in chapter six Justin appears, then in the next chapter Jack starts talking about Justin as if they didn't have that encounter in chapter six and it's a little confusing.
Otherwise you are doing an excellent job, and I'm really jealous of how good your descriptions are. If you are interested in reviewing my work I would appreciate it.

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Thanks a lot
I will definitely check out your work when I have the time.
What can I do so I don't over describe? Can I just leave the dialogue then go to the next dialogue or scene

Yes, you can just leave dialogue and go to the next person talking. I’ll try finding a video I watched that helped me with this same problem. Give me a few minutes.

This is it. Mistake #1 is sort of what I was kind of talking about around 8 minutes in. Also, I think the entire video is worth the watch if you have the time. I'm also going to recommend a book that helped me with this it's called How to Write Dazzling Dialogue by James Scott Bell.