16 / 23
May 2021

As someone who's played the game, I was pleasantly surprised by your story's premise, but...
Bruh, I'm in chapter 1 and you're already stuttering. Not a great first impression.
I'd like to know or at least have better clues as to why people like Stanley are getting hired to begin with.
I mean, sure, manpower shortage, but why the manpower shortage? This is the time for some serious headcanon, my man! Speaking of headcanon, I know this next part is a nitpick but wanton testing of potentially super-lethal serums on human subjects? Under normal circumstances I'd think that your main source of candidates would be some sort of death row prisoner deal, not broke college students (unless you're headcanoning this as some sort of cyberpunk dystopia, which is also suspiciously short on ways to find runaway rich kids-more on that later).
Come chapter 2 and we've already got a problem, or more like several.

First of all, Irelia's supposed to be the smart one, A SCIENTIST, yet she fails to deduce that it was the serum that gave her frost powers, despite her very apparent lack of frostbite. It's like this woman's never heard of a hypothesis in her life. Second of all, this whole backstory where you try to paint Stanley as some tryhard virtuoso who ran away from his rich parents who never bothered to hire a private investigator and apparently evades every database with a photo ID's recognition, while also trying to set him up as some clownish, laid-back character, seriously? THIS IS SO DUMB IT HURTS! I can handle goofy things, but this is a point where I think we've crossed from goofy fun into lazy and/or bad writing.

Last but not least, I know this part's probably massively unfair given how little I've seen of your story, but this doesn't really feel that much like a OSFE fanfic. So far it just feels like a semi-typical superhero story with a splash of comedy. The big red flag is that the MC doesn't really interact with a spell system of any kind, which is a big old slap in the face to the source material, even though spells are mentioned explicitly in your text.

Okay, I admit it. I chuckled a few times. But I quit after chapter 2 because the characters got so dumb my brain bluescreened, and there wasn't much about it that was promising aside from that. Fanfiction should have an easy time doing some worldbuilding for heavy immersion, but the opportunity's basically completely wasted as far as I can see.

Edit: Upon getting over how stupid that reveal was, I may or may not consider revisiting for a few more chapters. Let me know if that interests you.

Sounds delightful. Take all the shots you like, make fun of it, have fun. I'd love if you go wild, the more comically over the top, the better. However, since you're the one doing this in your spare time and I've been dinking around writing for decades too, do what seems fun for you.

Screw it. Let's dance. (Comical please!)

Honestly, I'll follow this as far as you're willing to read. Stuff like this only gives me some direction on what does and doesn't work when people read my stuff. Some people would hate this, but I'm taking notes.
Edit: And your third paragraph is absolutely right. It's shamefully more of a superhero story set in an "OSFE World" that doesn't really use spells. When I can upload my main OSFE series that isn't this, I think I might forward that to you as well. It's infinitely better of a OSFE story. Thanks for reading though.

Well... here it goes (I'm probably gonna regret this very soon):

Ladies and gentlemen, prepare to witness true entertainment.

Now that I've had some further examination, there's so many damn problems... Prepare for a proper roasting, HERETIC!

CHAPTER 1:
* Stanley is described as a 'nice dude' at first, but the more I read of him the more he drifts away from that and towards acting like a petulant (and slightly stupid) asshole. Of course, since you're the god of this world of yours, this is factual evidence that he is straying further and further from God every day.
* Apparently high tech research facilities trying to discover the formula for magic superpowers still use fax machines. I wonder what kind of thorough research led you to discover that.
* Some goddamned scientist the main character is where she can't be asked to remember the name of the HIGHLY EXOTIC SPECIMEN they dragged in just so she could create her big break for the company, something which is clearly important to her.
* The fight scene had no sense of distance whatsoever. You mean to tell me two of them were close enough for her to slap both of them without having to dart between them? Does she have another superpower we aren't being told of?

CHAPTER 2:
* Stanley further irons out his dumbass credentials by refusing to understand she has ice powers. He didn't stagger up from the chair like he was surprised at all when she stomped, so that tells me she already showed him beforehand and he whines about still not being able to understand. Whether this(and bothering to flip through the comic to narrate to her what he already said) is a sign of being a petulant asshole or straight up dumbassery or both, I can't tell.
* I know this might be part of the fun, but Stanley's insistence on her becoming a superhero only builds on my headcanon that he's just an emotionally manipulative, egotistical asshole with a subtle sense of unearned moral superiority.
* Some scientist our protagonist is, that she needs help from Stanley of all people to figure out how exactly she got ice powers. Maybe the experimental serum you made yourself had something to do with it, woman!
* Maybe I missed the memo, but why is the scrapyard empty in winter? I don't think that's supposed to be standard protocol... Actually, are you telling me they also leave the unattended scrapyard's shed unlocked so some random scientist can use their blowtorch to weld ice skates to her rubber-soled shoes?
* Now, realistically Stanley being frozen solid would kill him via suffocation or hypothermia, and honestly I wouldn't have minded if he did actually die then. It would add some emotional weight to the whole thing. I liked the part where she said "You saw nothing" to the bystanders though, that got a laugh out of me.

CHAPTER 3:

  • Not sure how kicking off skates would have enough force to impale a wood dresser, but okay.
  • Shockingly enough, this episode isn't as much of a disaster aside from that. But I can tell you're trying to hint at a possible future romance that I have very, very bad impressions about.

The interlude was also nice. But now for the GRAND FINALE: I'M BETTER AT THIS THAN YOU AND I'M GOING TO PROVE IT!

Back in chapter 2, we get the basics of Stanley's backstory: His rich-ass parents wanted him to be a lawyer/doctor/businessman/etc and were controlling about it. So Stanley went rebellious on them and ran away once he finished high school, making a big show about how he would only be known for his own merits and not his family name. Now, let's set aside the obvious problems of the required fake ID, SSN(or in-universe equivalent) and possibly plastic surgery depending on tech level he'd need to resist even the most baseline-level efforts his parents could've made to find him and focus on that particular stated reason why he ran away.

This pains me, because this backstory would infer that Stanley's some sort of self-reliant determinator tryhard that is the exact opposite of a slacker(And he's definitely a slacker). That initial interpretation would've actually made five times more sense if applied to Irelia. Think about it, we know she's hellbent on glory already and doesn't really care that much about the true art or doing things the particularly hard way, and her leaving would have already established her as self-centered (which she definitely is), so it would make perfect sense. The backstory's good, you just applied it to the wrong character.

I also found it awkward, while we're in the ballpark, about how you tried to paint Stanley as this sort of mentor archetype almost unwittingly, despite them being the same age. I just feel like some of this story would've made more sense if Stanley was just a fair bit older than Irelia in a rewrite, but that's just me.

Try seriously taking a step back to think when you write, maybe that'll buff out some of the massive volumes of scuffing that this story has.

For those of you still in doubt about Stanley's moral character, let me take a quote out of context:
"Stanley, you goddamn hussy! Get the hell off of me!"
"Not until you agree to give me a chance, Ire!"

I wonder how far my unpolished first chapters and my bad inglish will take you. Maybe I can reappear in the nomination for the Worst Novel Series. This might traumatize you, in fact this will.

Hello! You said it's primarily for novels and not comics, so you can just ignore this, but just in case you do read it, may I have some good gordon ramsay-ish roasting please?

Oh. Apologies for writing something you genuinely didn't really like. I was taking notes about how to improve, but then at one point realized that I couldn't take notes because at some points it had become not really criticism more than just trying to verbal stone me. I appreciate that you at least read it though, even if you didn't seem to like it all that much. Hope I can get my main OSFE series on here soon as well. I think you'd probably like that one better, or maybe not, I'm not too sure anymore; I'm not sure how much I should even take the criticism anymore.

Dropping mine here because I'm currently doing tons of edits and could use some input. I'm aware that the book cover is trash and that the story is occasionally preachy / political.

Fire away! Throw the biggest rock at me!

8 days later

Hmmm...this forum looks interesting. Say whatever you want and you're already helping me expand Alist's world. Thanks for your offer.

https://tapas.io/series/Rebirth-of-the-Unrivaled-Water-Specialist2

3 months later

Finally, I've found the stamina to burn someone else to a crisp! YOUR TURN!

First, font size. Wheels on the cart are like... Dialogue box, dialogue box, dialogue box, oh yeah that invitation slip in chapter 1. Speaking of chapter 1, god damn that's a lot of dialogue, and I don't even know what's going on. Oh, you want me to read the first one for context? I'm not tricked that easily.

Now for chapter 2, which should really be titled RTX On, RTX Off

And next square, she even turns into a Diglett!

(Edit: I know her back's to the camera, but you could've fooled me at first.)
At least something fun happens in chapter 2, but why does she need a god to cloak her weird tiara thing if she can just uncloak it? This is like the Harry Potter movies just dropping the command word rule for spells.

Okay, so I read up to chapter 3, and I can't tell if it's the borderline MSPaint art style or me not reading the first one, but I don't feel very strongly for this one at all so I'm just going to hang it up here. At least we got to the beach episode quickly.

Sorry to be a disappointment, though.


oh hell yes, rip me apart. it's the least I deserve after doing the hard critique thread for like two months at this point.

Thanks.
I know that the old episodes were pretty badly drawn, and I have improved. I'm not going to redraw them, because I'll get stuck in the cycle of redrawing everything.
Thank you for the advice, though. I've made the font bigger, and tried to cut down on dialogue a little.

my artwork blows and my description is in serious need of a rewrite, roast away

Here's my novel, take a swing. I prefer a comical roast please .:grin: