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Aug 2021

It's nice to see what Ruby wants, because that sets it up to conflict with what she actually gets, but for a blurb, I think this could start better with where she is right now. Like..what is her status quo before whatever it is that sets off her journey? Because then when David Marquis comes into the picture, the reader doesn't know which picture that is.

That's a pretty wild finish, haha, but I don't understand very well how it ties in to the rest of Ruby's struggles. So if you could maybe tell me a bit more about the status quo she starts from, I could try to rearrange some stuff around, see if I can clear it all up.

Aww, thank you soo much! :heart_01: That really means a lot :heart_decoration: I'm excited to share it with everyone on August 19th!

Perfect! I was scared a little there since if it's uber shite I have to redo the first chapter. (synopsis is baked into the first chapter)

Backstory indeed. Already planned to be explored.

The final part, no matter how I looked at it I couldn't reveal more because it's heavily tied to the backstory and becomes a huge spoiler. Also the first part is just that. Surviving, meeting people finding a new home, discovering the planet.

Thank you for the patience and the time. This was the first feedback I ever got on synopsis.

Ah, I see! Maybe you can include just that - surviving, meeting people, finding a new home, discovering the planet. This is not immediately obvious in the current set up.

Happy to help! Thanks for dropping by :blush:

No problem~

Ok, so this is all a very interesting slice-of-life mosaic, though I do have to ask - is this for an anthology of school-related stories, or is there one protagonist in particular whose journey we're following? If it's the latter, then we need to see that person and focus on them in the blurb.

Woah okay that's brutal :flushed: Not sure if I would include a headless corpse in the blurb, but to be fair, it does catch the eye :sweat_smile: It makes me wonder, though, what genre do you classify your story as? Unless it's something horror, or mature, I would maybe go for something like:

17-year-old Akilah is traumatized by the gruesome death of her childhood best friend, Adara.

I'm not sure I understand the deceiving part. Do you mean that deceitful people blinded the King? Or do you mean the King deceived people, which blinded him in the end? If you mean the former, I would recommend using deceitful instead of deceiving to avoid confusion.

The repetition here is unnecessary. Life is unfair - those are the first words uttered by Akilah after Adara's burial.

I really like the stakes and conflict here! One small thing, though - I would replace the semicolon with a question mark and make that two separate sentences. So, like: Will the deal work out in Akilah's favor? Will she be able to save Adara from the monsters that killed her or will history repeat itself?

My pleasure! :blush:

Yay, glad I could help! :smiley:

Oooooh I like this a lot, thank you so much! The funny part was, when I first had the blurb talking about the Nightburn prophet, people actually told me THAT blurb was confusing and they couldn't make sense of it. XD But when I suddenly went for my itty-bitty sentence, it was quite something that suddenly I had a influx of subscribers and uh...my big blurbs didn't do that for me. :sweat_smile: But I change that bugger often, so I like seeing what moves people to take a look. :sparkling_heart:

I really appreciate your help, its nice having a native speaker write a correct version haha! I've bookmarked your reply, this will get me forward again. :smile:

My pleasure :heart:

That's interesting! Then definitely go with what works :slight_smile: I try to be as objective as possible, but any suggestion I make will be subjective by default, lol, so I'm definitely not an expert. It may be that the lack of details makes some people wanna see what happens, and turns other people away because they don't know what they're getting into.

Oh, I am not a native speaker >_< but I'm flattered, haha! And your description was (grammatically) correct, what are you talking about?? :blush: Happy I could help!!

Hi, thank you so much for doing this!

If you have some spare time, please have a look at the blurb for Bomeo the Service Cat:

A Master's student picked up a cat blanket on the street. Unbeknownst to its Master, the cat is alive and is always ready to offer its service! Secretly… as it cannot reveal its past!

I'm constantly concerned that "cat blanket" doesn't make sense by itself, but that's the best I can think of to describe it, so I'm leaving the series thumbnail here because readers will see it with the blurb:

It's more like a group of friends but in essence, they are just reflections of us (ordinary people) and our school days. So, while we are focusing on a group and their exploits, the main focus is more on the 'acts' themselves, or rather the school days.

Of course, chapters are also devoted to their normal day-to-day lives which lead to reminiscences. But all of it is based on school-related events.

Oh, no problem! What I meant by the opening sentence was basically... Ruby has already established how she wants her life to play out. As in, having loyal friends who she could turn to, finding a partner to marry with a love as strong as her parents', and getting the dream job she's worked hard for.

Things were going swimmingly, but they start spiralling downhill when David enters her life.

Whether by chance or not, David Marquis' involvement accompanied a deterioration in her love life, caused her friends to fight amongst themselves, and directly made her lose her job.

Presently, she finds herself tied into an odd relationship with the man—one where his parents request for an heir which he refuses to consummate; his reasons guarded by only the most closest friends. Forced to violate her list of moral accountabilities, Ruby resigns to participating in his scheme of trickery, because David refuses to hand the company over to her fiance, Louis, who also happens to be his younger brother, and who stands to be married off in his place.

As the plot progresses, however, Ruby goes from hating everything concerning the savvy individual because she finds him rude, haughty, domineering, etc. To falling in love, despite many contradictions with the life she has already created for herself—and was dead-set on pursuing—which she would eventually return to after their 6-month contract marriage concluded.


I hope this gives you some more information to work with :)) I tried not to spoil too much!

Hmmm I never thought about what specifically made my story unique except that it just reverses a lot of tropes I guess (although that's pretty much a trope on its own lol). I guess I do need to think a bit about my protagonist.

Uptop is basically a guy to forced to play as some kind of hero. The thing is, he was pretty average to begin with, especially compared to the rest of his peers, so he doesn't understand why it always has to be up to him. In fact, the main reason why he has to do it is that everyone else doesn't want to. On top of that, he absolutely can't stand that the princess does nothing to stop this problem that affects her, even though she is fully capable (or though he thinks :smug_01:). So basically, this led to him loathing her and slowly beginning to hate everyone else. In a way, he's pretty much my attempt to make the most anti anti-hero yet (while telling a story about the dangers of hate)

You know how a lot of the time people would rather be comfortably unhappy than do something they're scared of? prefer to just survive their bad situation instead of trying to change it for the better? that's basically the idea.

Hey, I'm trying to edit these blurbs, and I'm not sure how to expand on "alien realm" or "unknown dangers". how would you suggest I make these terms less vague?

Hey, heard you're gonna coach my blurb, so here goes!

Urban Wolf blurb

June had cursed her bad luck for nearly all her life. One dark night, she set foot on the train platform to escape her past… But it seems whatever dark cloud’s been hanging over her followed her.

The train ticket took her to Halych, the illustrious city that thrives in the daylight and hides great darkness in its shadows. It’s just her luck, then, that she ends up in an underground gang war against a drug cartel.

It’s just her luck, then, that the swordmaster can’t seem to escape the blood, the danger, and all the choices she didn’t want to have to make.

But worst of all is how—despite all her soul-searching—she can’t even escape her own shadow.

This story will contain frequent displays of graphic violence, harsh language, and touches on topics of moral ambiguity and the usage of hard drugs.

For anyone who might be interested based off of that alone, I present my work: