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Aug 2022

Hello tapas forum it's been a while. I’m making a script for my new webtoon and want to improve on it so it can be perfect when launch day comes. I just need about 2 people. Please be ruthless! In exchange I’ll do the same (jk) but I'll give you a really good in depth analysis on what you could improve on. Thanks!

P.S.
If there are any typos I'm sorry! I couldn't find all of them.

Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/13b4D4OfZIdvJHdEZM9OYn1qMkYIWWaE3xE2MSYrNzYM/edit?usp=sharing16

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    Aug '22
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    Oct '22
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Couple things as I'm reading along, and all of this just my opinion:

  • What I might personally do, certain things can be depicted better with a "show, don't tell" mentality I think, especially with things serving as darker themes. Like, you could just show that the MC's mother was a prostitute and have the MC say something like "Life's hard when your mom's working all the time" or something, and that would be more dramatic I think.
    I might also do something similar with the "LOAN SHARKS!" part, fiddle with it a bit. Like, picture you're watching this on TV, it's a dramatic genre, tension is building, the MC asks what's wrong and the other screams "LOAN SHARKS! THEY'RE COMING!". I might snicker.

  • Continuing on, now I'm kind of struggling with the genre, because I'm starting to think this is more intended to be a comedy? This is another critique I would make then, the focus of the story feels unclear. Maybe it's a drama, maybe a more light-hearted comedy, or a black comedy thing, but the tone of the story doesn't feel consistent to me. Like, the MC's talking about her tragic life and her crushing personal betrayal, and then when the story apparently turns into a supernatural drama, the MC comes around joyously exclaiming "I can make money from ghosts now!".

  • I just can't help but think you're juggling a lot of different elements that I'm not sure go together. This character's tragic and rather violent backstory, then a humorous career in mediating, then this comic relief/hopeless romantic character in Aaron, and then it turns out he's a demon hunter. This world has demons. I can't help but feel like I'm getting sucker punched by one rather random plot element after another.

  • Overall, I leave with one of two things: Either I'm not convinced by the world you've created or I'm just too confused to continue. By unconvinced, I mean I don't thoroughly believe this world actually knows what it wants to be, citing back to my thoughts on your inconsistent tone. I guess all of that is just encapsulated by me being too confused to continue. I'm left with too many questions in a world where I don't feel like I'll get a satisfying answer.
    Like... why does she suddenly become a medium? Why is this the first thing she thinks of when she sees ghosts? Why doesn't she further question about this "brother" or "Ms. Priscilla"? All of these questions, I feel like the answer will be unsatisfyingly boiled down to "for the sake of humor" or "that's just how this world is". And then when it comes to more contrastingly dramatic elements like the whole plotline with Kiara or who is Aaron or these demons, I'm not particularly excited for the answer, because if the previous questions I asked are any indication of what's to come, then I don't feel like the resolutions will be very impactful.

Overall, maybe this comes down to personal preference, I don't know. Me personally, logic is always what drives me most, no matter how fantastical the world or crazy its characters, there's only one reason you choose to sideline logic: you don't care for it particularly, but that doesn't mean you don't care or your work is flawed because of this. I don't doubt you intend to take this work far, but I would say that if you want to perfect it, take it in a clear direction.

All right! All that said and done. If you're still up to it, I'd be pleased if you wanted to look at my work, too.


It's an action urban fantasy adventure setting. The first "episode" is actually not done yet, but I have it all written out. I only expect you to look at what's uploaded, but if you feel the need to analyze the whole plot, just ask.

Good luck

I can't really tell what genre this is supposed to be. Is it dark comedy, paranormal or gritty drama? The pacing also needs work, especially the scene with the Loan Sharks. Still, with some refining, this could be a pretty good webtoon.
Here's mine:


(If you're reviewing the art, please check the later episodes)

Hello, thank you for taking the time to review my script. I just want to clear up what the concerns are.
Confused by the genre because of the shift in narrative/tone style
The setting isn’t established for these elements to fall in place leaving the audience guessing what kind of story this is.

Overall what I'm getting from this review is that characters aren’t established properly for you to get their personalities. The elements of the world feel off because I haven't established the mechanics of this universe and there is a drastic tone shift between act 1 and act 2 leaving the pacing feeling like everything is just happening but there is no explanation on why it is. Am I correct?

I don’t know if I’m correct but your review is very helpful in correcting my story, to be honest. Yeah, I feel I'm trying to fit too many elements together without telling too much. I think I already feel like I know what I need to cut and what I need to work on so thank you so much!

Now onto your review

I think so far the narrative of the story is ok. It’s a little short so I can only judge on the three episodes. The first part seems a little confusing because it seems disconnected from episodes 2 and 3 but my guess is that somehow it’s connected later on to the story. I think the biggest issue with the story is the panel layout and composition of the panels. I think this is something people undervalue about comics but it’s so important because it helps pace the story overall and guide the viewer's eye. The first two episodes especially have this problem. What kinda format are you trying to go for, horizontal like a normal comic or vertical scroll like a webtoon because those two have different ways of visual storytelling. There are times when the fights don’t flow, there are too many panels, and my eyes are trying to figure out where to go. For example:

It could be read as two things
One of the fiery tentacles is latching onto the gladiator
Two fiery tentacles are releasing the gladiator.

We're kinda left guessing which one comes first.

Now we go into composition which is similar to the panel layout but is more along the lines of the focus of the individual panel. Instead of putting a lot of panels to try to convey a scene trying to figure out how to condense that scene into one. For example:

Instead of her standing there, the dagger is thrown, and she dunks. It can be her talking and then in the next panel she'll look shocked because there is a dagger next to her (speed lines showing the dagger was just thrown).

I think your panel is also too small so they are surrounded by a wall of text which is visually unpleasant to look at.

The flow of action scenes is very off too. Sometimes characters make moves that don’t make sense.

So he’s coming to charge at her and stops as she cuts his side.
Example:

Also, some things are not shown on screen or the motion isn’t shown
example :

How did that turn around the arm

Example:

Why don’t we see the sword:


Action requires anticipation, motion, and reaction. For example, if I was to draw a fight scene where a robber slams a frying pan on a man’s head it would work like this.

1: robber and man are fighting
2: shows the robber looking for something as he gets beat
3: panels show he’s got a frying pan [anticipation]
4: slam! Frying pan hits the man [motion]
5: man falls to the ground while the robber gets back on his feet [reaction]

The cycle repeats

Now a reaction can also be put in between the anticipation and motion but these are just the building blocks for a fight scene.
It needs to be clear what the character is doing.

The perfect example of what I mean:

Episode 3 was a huge improvement. The story is now officially in a vertical format which makes it easier to see the flow of the comic but there are still things that need to be improved. Like the overcrowded word bubbles, too many small panels, and lack of variety with the panels themselves. I think you should experiment more with the format you're using. Remember it’s important to guide the viewer's eyes when reading a comic. If something in a scene is important for the viewer to notice, make it more obvious.

I used to watch this youtube channel about paneling comics. I think this would help
StripPanelNaked

Thank you so much for your time, good luck!

Hi, thank you for reviewing. It's gonna take me sometime to review your work but in the meantime I would like to ask for some more clarifications about what is the problem with the script? What's wrong with the loan shark scene, why are you confused about the pacing and genre? I need stuff like this in detail so I can improve.

It's too fast paced, and doesn't give time for the story to really be established. The loan shark part also feels a little out of nowhere

I wish I got more thorough feedback like this.

Yeah, you guessed it. I originally wanted to do horizontal, traditional American comic style, TF2 comics are my main model if you've ever heard of them. I learned quickly I couldn't do that properly if I wanted to use tapas, though, so I kind of blended.

To be absolutely honest, the panels you showed do make less sense to me when I look at it, but I feel like it's partially because of context lacking. Like, in the charging scene, I tried to depict that red guy was more falling after Adversary moves her sword from when their blades lock in a previous panel, and thus falls into her repositioned sword. The next panel then shows that he can't really move.

However, no good story is depicted by an author having to explain their intention or one having to go back twice or thrice to understand it, so I'll work on that.

Text is still a problem, though. I like to write a lot, and this is the optimal text size to make it legible on a phone while small enough to get enough in efficiently. My next thought is to make art bigger to even it out, or spread space between panels farther.

I still immensely appreciate the feedback, it always helps and I don't get enough of it as I'd like. You give quite valuable insight, hopefully I could reciprocate. If you ever need another outside perspective, I'd be happy to help again. Thanks!

10 days later

Sorry for the late reply, crazy life issues lol.
Np and I'll keep that in mind. What you did for me was equally as helpful. So if need help again, feel free to reach out as well ^ ^.

1 month later

closed Oct 13, '22

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